Nevertheless I went forth...

Knee-Deep Troubles

2012-02-09T15:11:00.001-07:00

As a wise John Donne once said, "No man is an island entire of itself." It can also be said that no organ within s man's body can escape such codependency. One bad ankle or knee or foot & the whole ship's going down. and as fun as it would be to hop around like a Dufflepud, our anatomy will not allow for such monarchical footing. One bad stomach or liver or kidney & you enter into a never-ending cacophony of doctoral opinions, the sound of which makes you want to crawl into a fetal position and deny your weakness altogether.

This time it's my knee, a simple pulled muscle & I can't bend or climb or kick. This condition is temporary, I'm sure, but the fear of being handicapped by my own missteps sometimes overwhelms my rationale. My life would change dramatically if this was not a temporary condition, & that terrifies me to the point that my ineptness already feels palpable. How is it that a being can be so adept and yet simultaneously so fragile? It is beyond the comprehension of my limited scope. Oh mortality, how you befuddle my mind...

The Me I See

2012-02-03T03:47:00.000-07:00

Every woman secretly wants to be a trophy wife, the kind that all the other men around stop & take a second look at, the kind that cooks, cleans, & etc etc & looks great doing it. I feel like I have the potential to be one. I mean, not to be vain, but look at me in my better days. I was freaking awesome! I know, I know, it's not all about looks or weight. It's the inside that counts, blah, blah, blah, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have an outside that matches the inner me.When I look in the mirror, all I can see is the me I could be. I see me like I was in these pictures. I know I'm not getting any younger, but hopefully what I'm gaining in years, can be lost in pounds.

I look at my wedding pictures (well, my ring ceremony pictures, I don't exactly have pics of my Vegas elopement), & I feel embarrassed. My wedding day was supposed to be the prime of my life, my day to be a princess, & instead I was sick, bloated, and my dress was a money saving tactic rather than something that made me feel beautiful. Honestly, it looked like my body was possessed by the marshmallow man. I can't stand it. I'm not the me that everyone sees right now, & it bothers me that sometimes it's the only me some people know. I know, I know, some people are jerks & some people don't matter, but am I a jerk because I don't like me like this? It's not healthy. It's not sexy, and I don't like it. I'm going to change it for good.

Strangely Enough

2012-01-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if my wanderlust has doomed me to be ill-content settling down & calling somewhere home. Here's the story of my last 7 years:

2005 - Move from Louisiana to Tennessee

2006 - Move to California, then back to Louisiana

2007 - Move back to Tennessee

2008 - Move to Utah

2011 - Move to Washington

Which of these is my home? Which of these places includes all the elements of the world I want to belong to? Is it any one of them? Louisiana holds my beloved family, Tennessee, my transition into adulthood, Utah, finding myself as an individual, & Washington, the home of my dearest. I know that here does not feel like home. I honestly don't think anywhere so far from my family ever will, but where then do my husband & I find a happy medium? Where do we find a place to call our own? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm meant to know yet, but I feel the desire to start considering options. What lies next for me in my journey through life? What changes? What settings? What characters? What plots? I have not the foggiest & I suppose that's the thrill of wanderlust, never knowing where the wind may blow you. My greatest fear, though, I think would be, that it might not blow at all.

What I Learned in Preschool

2011-10-19T20:36:00.000-06:00

The thing I have learned most from working with children is that there is always someone in our lives in need of something. There is always someone sick or injured, lonely or depressed, hungry or tired & in need of aid. Yesterday I watched as the youngest child in my class wondered around the playground alone. She must feel left out, friendless, I thought. In that moment, I understood her completely & though, as an adult I could not fill her need of a playmate, I could facilitate its coming about by calling another child to become aware of her need. "Pretend she is your little sister," I told an older classmate, "Be her friend because she doesn't have one here. I was filled with joy as I watched their interactions thereafter. This is what it must feel like for Heavenly Father as he sees us run to the aid of his other children. He places a thought to act in our minds & rejoices as we rise to the call, filling a need where he himself cannot step in. I want to feel this specific joy more in my life, & I know how frequently the opportunity will come if I but listen & watch for it. May I, as I tell the children in my class, have listening ears, looking eyes, and helping hands. This is my prayer today.

I feel sorry for the letter P...

2011-09-27T09:45:00.002-06:00

I truly feel sorry for the letter P. It seems as if all the scary sounding diseases & conditions start with it: Plague, Paralysis, Psychosis, Palsy, Psoriatic Arthritis, Pneumonia, etc,etc, etc. Is it even a surprise that the word for chronic fears begins with a P?! I have a list of my personal phobias. At the top of that list are snakes, perpetual infertility, spontaneous combustion & the thought of being paralyzed by fear itself (ironic, huh?), but somewhere around the middle of my list lies a pernicious paranoia of the P diseases. I'd say my fear is somewhat grounded though as I currently have 4 of them.

As I recall, I've never had pneumonia before & thankfully it is treatable, but I must say it is not very fun. I'm just waiting for it to be over. I'm waiting most especially for the last burst of spasmodic coughing which is undoubtedly the worst part of it. That's not really what I wanted to talk about here, but I thought I should probably mention it as it's cold slimy fingers currently have a grasp on me.

What I really want to talk about is how many germs must be gravitating around Red Box kiosks. Am I the only person who walks up to one, sees the hundreds of fingerprints on its screen & walks away hoping I didn't step too close? Yuck. I think I'll start a campaign for the sanitation of Red Box.

OK, so that's not really what I wanted to talk about either. I want to talk about this weekend. This weekend is the General Conference of my Church. It's a bi-annual opportunity to hear from modern-day prophets & apostles. I look forward to it every six months, knowing that I'll hear exactly the council I need to get me through the struggles I face that day & that I will face throughout the coming year. In anticipation, I always write a list of the struggles I am facing & questions I have that I have not gotten answered through everyday scripture study & prayer. It amazes me every conference how no matter how long my list of concerns & questions are, I always receive an answer to them all in a way that is so specific to my needs that I can't help but think that God included certain statements in the inspired messages of the speakers just so that I could hear them & take comfort in them. Maybe that is selfish thinking, but if we truly believe that God answers our individual prayers, then I see no reason that this could not be true. Either way, though, I always feel God's love for me as I hear His answers through the leaders He has chosen on the Earth at this time. The answers are often something I already knew, but did not have the courage to act upon until I heard this verbal confirmation. Sometimes they are worded in a way that brings new light to my concerns, and sometimes the answer is difficult to hear because it is contrary to my own will, but because the words are all given out of a spirit of love & I am not opposed to trying another way if my own is ineffective, I am always grateful for answers I receive.

This time around, I do of course have some personal questions, but I also feel the need to be strengthened simply by hearing the personal testimonies of the speakers. I have been so inspired by the testimonies of fellow Latter-day Saints on mormon.org that I feel my spirit jumping for joy inside me with a renewed vigor towards the Gospel of Jesus Christ. How can you help but feel the Saviors love when you hear a story like Tessa's? I cried like a baby when I heard it. It makes all of my phobias & problems seem so small. It makes me think, "Wow, I've had the entirely wrong perspective about my trials." Then I hear testimonies like Deborah's & Jarem's & think "Wow, I'm not doing enough by far."

Now, I'm not putting myself down in any way by thinking this way. I am, in fact, feeling lifted, motivated, inspired to be better, to try harder. That's what the Gospel of Jesus Christ does, it changes a person in all the right ways. You think & see that by practice that you can overcome the obstacles of life, not always physically, but mentally & emotionally & spiritually, you can be healed. I know this not by Tessa or Jarem or Deborah's testimonies, although they do bolster me up. I know it because I have experienced it also. It is not a one time process where you asked to be healed & all your trials disappear. Just like the Savior asked the cup, or burden to be removed from Him in the Garden of Gethsemane & it was not until He had suffered & felt the pain to understand it, we must also feel pain in order to learn, in order to understand one another, in order to grasp the love Jesus Christ has for us. Sometimes we lose focus & get off track. Sometimes we simply forget or deny who we are & what our ultimate purpose is. As Marianne Williamson said,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

So, in essence, I'm saying, my fears, the ones I began this post with, are all a facade. My fear, my one & only fear, is that I'm failing my Father. My fear is that because of weakness I've given up instead of fighting through it. Now, I'm not saying, I shouldn't take time to rest & recover from my pneumonia (far from it), but illness should not define me. Failure should not define me. What should define me is that in spite of failure, flaws, and the wishy-washy"ness" of humanity, I endured, and I did so because I am a daughter of God, cleansed through the Atonement of Christ. That is the message I take away from Conference each year. That is the message I take away from the testimony of my fellow Latter-day Saints. That is the ultimate message that I can & must take take away from this experience we call life.

Weight Loss Goals

2011-09-03T13:31:00.000-06:00

OK, not to brag or anything ;) but I've lost 16 lbs in the last 17 days & I feel FABULOUS!! What is my secret you say. Well, I'll tell you in detail.

Jenny CUTS:
Sugary treats
Fast Food
Red Meat
COKE (in all forms)
White Pastas & Rice & Bread

Jenny ADDS:
30 minutes-1 hour aerobic exercise daily (at least)
5-9 servings of fruits & veggies daily
Hydration, Hydration, Hydration - in the water form ;)
15 minutes of daily Scripture Study - Try doing topical searches for nutrition info. It will amaze you!!

A few other things I've found helpful:

Thanks to my lovely Aunt, I was introduced to these healthier snack choices: VEGGIE STRAWS. They are 130 calories for (get this) 38 straws! That's fabulous given the alternatives, & as they will by no means be an everyday snack or a replacement for actual vegetables (duh), I'd say they are a good choice.
Juicing & Blending are my new favorite friends!

Here are my weight loss goals:
Oct 5: Jenny - 30 lbs
Dec 25: Jenny - 50 lbs
Feb 8: Jenny - 75 lbs = Weight Before Illness
Apr 14: Jenny - 100 lbs
May 25: Jenny - 110 lbs = GOAL WEIGHT!

YW

2011-08-21T22:09:00.001-06:00

Today I feel so incredibly blessed to have a calling in the Young Women's program in my ward. I can't necessarily put into coherant sentences the things I learned from them today, but I'd like to share a few things they put in my heart:

1st: This story by President Uchtdorf which touched me profoundly to hear again:

A story is told that during the bombing of a city in World War II, a large statue of Jesus Christ was severely damaged. When the townspeople found the statue among the rubble, they mourned because it had been a beloved symbol of their faith and of God’s presence in their lives. Experts were able to repair most of the statue, but its hands had been damaged so severely that they could not be restored. Some suggested that they hire a sculptor to make new hands, but others wanted to leave it as it was—a permanent reminder of the tragedy of war. Ultimately, the statue remained without hands. However, the people of the city added on the base of the statue of Jesus Christ a sign with these words:

“You are my hands.”

There is a profound lesson in this story. When I think of the Savior, I often picture Him with hands outstretched, reaching out to comfort, heal, bless, and love. And He always talked with, never down to, people. He loved the humble and the meek and walked among them, ministering to them and offering hope and salvation.
That is what He did during His mortal life; it is what He would be doing if He were living among us today; and it is what we should be doing as His disciples...As we emulate His perfect example, our hands can become His hands; our eyes, His eyes; our heart, His heart.

2nd: This beautiful song sung in a fireside tonight that brought tears to my eyes:

I couldn't help but become emotional at the words "I didn't come to earth to compromise," because I feel that since my illness hit a year & 1/2 ago until just recently I have done just that. Not so anymore. Repentance is a gift that I intend to use.

The Best

2011-08-15T19:47:00.002-06:00

What a difference a week can make! I feel so much more calm, peaceful.

Projects I accomplished this week:

currently reading 2 books - one fiction, one nonfiction
updated both my husband & my resume
filled out at least 30 applications between Aaron & I
scanned & edited over 500 of my childhood pictures & still going

One thing I realized in the process of the week: I had an AMAZING childhood. Not that I didn't know that already, but seeing it documented through photograph makes it that much more valid of a point. In fact, I will show you some of the reasons my childhood was AWESOME:

As a child, I never doubted that I was loved...even for a second...

Papa was always around to give us rides & an amusing story along the way...

Chris & Daniel were always good for a laugh and a hug...

Mama always tried to see things through our eyes...

Mimi was always there to help us wind down for the night...and wake us up in the morning...

I had the cutest little Logi-bear in all the world...

Daddy gave the best bear hugs

& made sure we learned all the interesting little facts about the world around us...

Aunt Julie carried me through some of my roughest moments...

Aunt Debbie opened my eyes to all of the wonderful possibilities around me...

I learned that life is much more fun with people you love to share it with...

& if all else failed, there was always my Papa.

I learned that even when it appears that all is lost,

someone always has an egg in their basket that they'd love to share with you.

I learned that there was always fun to be had...

& sweet pickles to take the bitter taste out of our mouths.

I learned that we never lack in angels to watch over us,

& that we can be anything that we want to be .

At Last

2011-08-09T23:21:00.000-06:00

It's been 4 months since I posted last. Those 4 months have been filled with a mixture of chaos, frustration, and an ever-nagging hope for progress. I never thought I'd lose my passion for life again under the blessed wings of the Gospel & in the arms of the love of my life, but I must admit, it has been fleeting.

What can be more frustrating than having health force you into dropping out of school 1 semester before graduation, quitting a job that you love, uprooting to an unfamiliar town surrounded by unfamiliar people, and sitting,waiting, hoping for improvement of any kind?

At least I can put a check by improvement of health. Now I'm ready to go out & start moving again, but I am siezed by a fear of relapse. I'm siezed by a fear that I'll never again be what I once was, & what is that exactly? I, for one, find it hard to recall if I'm actually chasing whispers of a shadow of my former being or if I really was once as strong as I remember. Either way, reguardless of what I was or think I was, I know I'm not where I need to be now.

I went on a family vacation to Florida a few weeks ago & came back with a new determination & a very real memento to remind me of the future ahead of me, a wooden block with the simple adage:

"Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

I did not lose myself. I allowed myself to become something different, an alternate, less happy version of the me than I had previously been. These previous & current versions of me need not dictate what I will be in the future. I choose who I am. I'm not saying you should expect I'll make dramatic alterations to myself. There are parts of me that I love very much. I am at the core loving, determined, fiercely loyal, and very easily amused. These parts of me will never be absent no matter how much I change; however, it's about time for revamping & creating some new aspects of me. I'm certainly not going to cover myself in tattoos or have a sex-change operation (heavens no - I love my husband VERY VERY VERY much), but I would like to re-instate the goals I set when I moved to Washington 4 months ago which are:

-Continue to improve my health
-Lose a significant amount of weight
-Increase spirituality through scripture study/prayer/etc

& add a few that I'd like to pursue:

-Start writing regularly again (for which, you readers can hold me accountable)
-READ READ READ
-Find a job/finish school
-Make Music a bigger part of my life/learn to play the piano
-Make New Friends
-FOSTER PARENTING/have a child of our own :)

Ok, I'm gonna stop before I overwhelm myself with goals & give up before I start. I'm just gonna say before I stop writing for now: It's good to be back.

Anxiety Attack

2011-04-25T21:36:00.001-06:00

Ever made a very difficult decision that you knew was right, but then everything went wrong? Every time someone comes over & doesn't buy our contract, I freak out mentally. I'm physically & emotionally taxed by this all & I'm just waiting for the part where I can actually rest & re-cooperate. That's what this is all about in the end anyway, isn't it? I just need prayer, I think - lots & lots of prayer. Oh, & a miracle, just the tiny little miracle of the completion of this phase in my life. I'm ready to move on, more than ready. I'm anxious.

Selling Stuff

2011-04-20T13:18:00.000-06:00

We move next week. Hooray! If we could just get all of our stuff sold. I'm not sure if some people relate craigslist sellers with a lower, shadier class of human beings, but I'd say about 70% of the people who've come to look at our things have treated us as such. I mean, how many questions can you ask about a couch before it's insulting? It's cheap. It's in good condition. I posted a picture, lowered my asking price to the bare minimum, & said we're only parting with it because we're moving a long distance away. What more can I say? But still I get the questions - does it have stains or tears, what's wrong with it, what are its exact dimensions. Well, I'd say it's about 6 feet by come measure it your freakin' self if you are so concerned with exact inches. It's a couch. It's couch-sized & it's cheap, which says "I don't want to have to deal with it. I just want it off my dang hands so I can move far, far away from you."

Aaahh, that felt so good to let out. Oh catharsis, how I love you. Now, does anyone want a couch?

Jenny = Jenny - 12pounds + a positive outlook

2011-04-17T23:36:00.004-06:00

With my health going more downhill by the day, our move to Washington stands as a solidified effort to let my body heal. Until I am in a place physically & emotionally where I can be consistent in my efforts, I'll be taking a break from school & work. I have the most amazing husband in the world for being understanding & supportive of such a difficult decision which has been & I'm pretty sure ever will be one of the most difficult decisions we'll have to make in our marriage.

I'm not an idle person. I've never been a slacker & at heart I certainly still am not. I suppose, though, that I really am not being idle per-say. I'm just focusing my efforts completely on self-improvement so that one day, hopefully soon (although that term is highly relative), I'll be in a position again to focus them elsewhere.

I'll be working during this respite to lose weight (100lbs+ is the ultimate goal), improve my health, increase my energy & stamina, & to finally get to the root of my medical conditions so that I can be treated properly. I don't want to say that I've already started my "diet" because this is not a "diet." It is a longterm lifestyle change, one that will consist of shunning all habits that negatively effect my physical, mental, and spiritual health & implementing (or re-implementing, as the case may be) habits which benefit those aspects of my life. I will be tracking my progress & reporting it for accountability purposes.

The work has already begun.

Impending Move

2011-04-14T23:48:00.000-06:00

Usually with a move on the horizon I am thrilled to start packing weeks, even months in advance, but this time each time I start, my vigor lasts only about 5 minutes. It's not that I'm not excited about this move. It's a combination of a lack of energy & an intense urge to throw everything away & start from scratch. Sadly, I know disposing of all our earthly goods is not the best option, but you better believe DI's going to get a hefty load from this couple in the next few days.

Here are my thoughts on moving to Washington:
1. I've only been there twice & I only know my in-laws so this is a bit scary.
2. I know from past moves the emotional turmoil that comes from leaving behind the comforts of familiarity & well-established friendships, and I dread the coming tears & loss of adjacent friends.
3. I don't know if I'm physically capable of organizing something as demanding as a major move.
4. I know this is the right thing to do, so it'll all work out somehow, but the map to and from somehow is ever illusive.
5. I need prayers for strength & courage in the coming days...

Oh Life.

2011-04-04T06:59:00.000-06:00

I have not slept a wink tonight. I just don't have it in me to turn my brain off. I have so much to consider & I'm worried sleep will dull the urgency of it all. If General Conference weren't an overload in & of itself, add illness, the prospect of moving in 2 weeks, and well, my point here is not to list the million & one tasks & challenges that are brewing in my noggin. The point is to say I'm overloaded with great effort it's taking to ensure rest in the near future. It's quite ironic actually, but my reaction is nothing new. I've always been one of those people who when an idea takes root, I can't rest until every detail of the idea is implemented & settled. I crave homeostasis like I crave snowballs (not the white fluffy kind, but the marshmallow, & cream filled chocolate cake covered with pink tinted coconut flakes), unceasingly. I guess that's all I really wanted to say, that my life is changing dramatically & I'm freaking out.

Sorry for the rambling nonsensical nature of this entry. No sleep, ya know...

Aaron's birthday

2011-02-11T12:30:00.001-07:00

This week has been a mystery bag of experiences. I've had to blindly reach my hand in not knowing if I'd get a bite or a prize. I'd say 8/10 have been of the negative sort, but a few stand out as prizes indeed, so I'll tackle those first.

This week was Aaron's birthday! I didn't buy him a present because he'd just treated himself to an X-box 360 & I didn't plan a party because he said he'd rather just celebrate it with me (awww:). I instead took him to his restaurant of choice: Tucanos. It was both Aaron & my first time there, but the experience was delightful. On the whole, I'm not a fan of meat. In fact, I'm currently contemplating a return to vegetarianism, but it'll be a slow transition. Well that was a thrillingl little rabbit trail, but back to Tucanos ;) The salad bar was fabulous, the grilled pineapple, to die for - seriously, best grilled pineapple ever, and even the meat was delectable even given my aversion to eat it. The best part of our experience, however, was definitely the birthday celebration. I, never being one to pass up a free desert, told our waitress first thing that it was Aaron's birthday, about 3/4 of the way through our meal, I hear drums banging around the corner. As the the drummers/tambourine players round the corner, I realize this is the grand birthday celebration. It gets better though. As they arrive at our table, our waitress says Aaron must dance for his desert. At this point I cringed a bit. Aaron does not dance in public & I knew he'd be reluctant, but he did a very good job & only gave me a mild chiding afterwards.

The second grand experience of Aaron's birthday celebration was at a new arcade/fun center in Orem. Up to a game he walks, slides his card, presses the button to start the game, and wins the jackpot first try. If that wasn't a birthday gift sent from above, I'm not sure what would be. We laughed & laughed for the entire 20 minutes it took to dispense all the tickets he'd won. For the first time ever, we had our pick of any prize & we really racked them in! Nothing could have made Aaron's day more than this single incident. I was so happy to see my baby so happy :)

As for the negative occurrences of the week, well, most of them involve my health - stomach, sinuses, etc. - all run a-muck. I'm just about sick of them & their insistence on malfunctioning. Something must change for the better. I'll try just about anything for it to.

3 AM

2011-02-03T01:37:00.004-07:00

Dear 3 AM,
Although you are a vast improvement to 5 AM, I still despise the consequences that accompany your visitations. Must I remind you again that I am not yet a mother to young children, therefore it is completely acceptable that I begin my nightly doze before midnight & continue it uninterrupted until Responsibility calls? In the future, I would appreciate your absence from my repertoire.
With deepest sincerity,
Jenny

India & Dreams & a Visit to the Dr.

2011-01-31T23:03:00.001-07:00

I remember the first time I went to an allergy specialist. I was 18. They did a scratch test on me & it was horrible. For those of you who are not familiar with allergy testing, a scratch test is where they place extracts of all sorts of potential allergens on your back & scratch each allergy infested area with a small plastic instrument so it infiltrates the top layer of skin. The doctor then leaves the room for twenty minutes to let the allergens work their magic. Now, if you aren't allergic to anything, this procedure is nothing more than mildly uncomfortable, but if you're like me, your entire back breaks out in red whelps & itches like the dickens for the entire 20 minutes. I suppose this is a step up from the previous method of testing in which the doctor actually used a small lancet instead of a plastic scratcher, but good heavens, I still itch every time I think about it. Oh well, though, at least now I know for certain that I'm allergic to almost every tree, grass, & animal known to man. How does a body come to the conclusion that it rejects its natural environment, I'm not sure, but I do know that mine has. Yesterday, it decided to show me just how much, but thanks to a wonderful miracle, I was introduced to the neti-pot via Rachel (aka: Rach-A cha-A), & my life has been made livable again. I'm starting to feel like an infomercial now, though, so on to the next topic.

Today at work I had a short conversation on the topic of dreams. Now, if knew me in high school, you'd know that I carried a small dream dictionary in my purse & I used it frequently to interpret the symbols in my classmates dreams. I believe firmly that our mind speaks to us through our dreams. The fears & desires we suppress in consciousness are made manifest in our subconscious & it is through these baser fears & desires that we can truly come to know ourselves & acknowledge the parts of ourselves that need changing. More than that though, dreams are often a means of communication with the Divine. I cannot tell you how many life decisions I've made as a result of sacred images in my dreams, but I can tell you that they have never led me astray.

Lately I've been fixated on the mystique of Indian culture. The colors, the music, the dance, clothing, movies. I just can't get enough of it. I, being the white blonde-haired girl that I am, can't help but wish that my skin were a bit darker, my hair a bit longer, my culture just a tad more foreign, or at least my clothing a bit more dazzling. At least I could hope for an accent. You know, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person I've ever met that was born & raised in the South who doesn't have the twang of a country singer. It's quite unfortunate, really.

5 AM

2011-01-30T04:40:00.001-07:00

Dear 5 AM,
For far too many days I've greeted your coming with wakefulness. Let me assure you that this will be the last time for quite some time. I need my scheduled sleep & you need your quiet loneliness, so we shall part as amicable acquaintances whose paths are sure to cross again someday. In the meantime, you will not miss me, nor I you for I am determined & I am sure you are relieved.
Yours cordially,
Jenny

Gummy Bear Revisited

2011-01-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was wonderful. I say this primarily because I happened to do everything with my adorably sweet husband. As I prepared myself for the day ahead, Aaron made me breakfast. He has a knack for making perfectly shaped omelets, whereas, mine always have to be reformed into scrambled eggs. After my doctor's appointment, Aaron & I played on his new bargain X-box 360/Kinnect. I must say, I rocked it at Dance Central & I took this hilarious picture of my baby as he confusedly tried to read the directions to another game.

After that, we spent a couple of hours spring cleaning. Aaron got down on his hands & knees & cleaned our shower & if I didn't already love him to distraction, this would have sealed the deal. I love a man who helps around the house. We even cooked dinner together, which has happened so infrequently because of our opposing schedules. To finish the night, we attended the second annual gummy bear party. It was ridiculously fun. We played gummy bear bingo & made scenes with gummy bears & props. Here are my contributions:

Overall, I'd say I came out of the day feeling delightfully blissful & more in love with my husband than ever.

Belated Resolution

2011-01-25T14:46:00.004-07:00

Confession: It's been almost ten years since my biological clock started ticking. It started one day when a four year old boy asked me if I was a mommy. "No," I said, "but why do you ask?" "Because, Miss Jennifer, you look like a mommy." It was that very moment that I realized motherhood was the aspiration of my life.

Now, don't jump to conclusions here. I'm not pregnant...yet. My health has not been such this last year that my body is in any shape to bare a child at present. Already I've had to postpone my graduation another semester and reduce my course-load by half just to be able keep up with life during illness, but it is my most fervent prayer & desire that this too shall pass, at least in a big enough proportion to allow my aspiration to become a reality.

It seems like every day I find out another friend is pregnant or has adopted another child, and my heart races in the anticipation that soon it will be my turn. Therefore, my single resolution for this year is to see my health returned. Somewhere in the heavens, there is a spirit that depends on it, and I cannot let them down.

Views on Love and Pat Benatar

2011-01-21T15:28:00.004-07:00

It's times like these that I feel overly prone to quote the lyrics of Pat Benatar songs, and let's be honest, she has alot of good ones.

"You said - oh girl, it's a cold world

When you keep it all to yourself
I said you can't hide on the inside
All the pain you've ever felt
Ransom my heart, but baby don't look back
Cause we got nobody else"

-Shadows of the Night

Ooh, or these ones:

"We can't afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy.
It's a do or die situation - we will be invincible.
And with the power of conviction there is no sacrifice.
It's a do or die situation - we will be invincible."

-Invincible

Her songs seem to always carry the theme of our individual power to enact change with the realization that this worldly journey is not meant to be taken alone. If you're not going to help me along my journey though, she says in essence, get the heck out of my way. I love it! I'm pretty sure Pat Benatar has been my personal rock hero since the first time I heard my Mama working out to her music in my early childhood. It was Pat, along with my mother, that taught me that love is never just a word, it is an action & not just one action, but a never-ending chain of expression. It is not what is given, it is the manner in which it is given & in which it is received. Love is not an obligation. It cannot be forced, but when present, it is the motivation for our every action. Not to be cliche, but how can it be stated more perfectly than in the word of God?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV

The Sum of All Fears

2010-12-07T18:35:00.003-07:00

As children we spend half of our time dreaming of what we will become when we "grow up." Now that I'm an adult, I find my self contemplating the benefits of retirement. There are just things you hope for that don't happen, & as time goes on & you realize your strength is far smaller than your dreams, you become disheartened, tainted, cynical....or in other words, a realist.

Here's what I know about our realistic world: we each have shadows in ourselves, dark blots that we spend our lives running from, denying, & trying to change. We spend our efforts hating these blots that are a part of ourselves, & thus we end up never fully accepting ourselves. My blot is my illness. I cannot tell you how many times I have shaken my fist at it. I've screamed & cried & ached in pain, just hoping that it would hear my desperation & just go away. I've prayed & mourned & asked for blessings & miracles & visited more doctors than I can even recall the names of. I've been poked, prodded, & medicated & still it takes all of my effort to get out of bed each day, so to be honest, most days I don't.

Life has pushed me down & I feel trapped in a ridiculously deep pit of despair. I know there will be those of you who read this & think, "she just needs to have faith" or "she just needs to look on the bright side of things," count my blessings, so to speak. But I have & I do. I know I have people who love me. I know I have a Father in heaven that is watching out for me, but I am pushed to the max of my ability to endure & have been for a long time now. I'm just plain 'ole worn out.

I am crying out one more time, "Please, Dear God, take some of this weight from me."

Definition of Me

2010-10-17T13:30:00.005-06:00

Today I was reminiscing over the various roles I've held in my life, the parts of me that people use to define my very being, like, "Oh yeah, I know Jenny, she's the [ fill in the blank]."

According to my connection to you, I might have held several roles in your eyes. To my mother, for example, I've always been a daughter, but over the years, I've also filled the shoes of helper & friend. I think about how to different people I must have appeared so differently. I'm the teacher. I'm the student. I'm the writer, the flautist, the state champion powerlifter. To some I'm the convert, the missionary, the newlywed, or as of late, the invalid.

Contemplating these roles I've held, I wonder which one defines me best. If I could sum Jenny up in one word, what would that word be? Right now I have no idea either what it would be or if it is even possible, but I think that it must be. I look, for example, at the many life's accomplishments of my wonderful mother & to describe them all, only one word comes to mind: LOVE. I wish it were that simple for me. I wish I could see the true essence of myself.

In his talk at General Conference a couple of weeks ago, President Uchtdorf said we need to focus on the fundamental elements of our lives in order to slow down & refocus. There are 4 key relationships that will help us do this: our relationship with God, family, our fellowmen, and with ourselves. He said of the last,

"It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential."

I might have (of necessity) slowed my life down of late, but I'm certain that even in the stagnant moments, my focus has been misplaced. I have let my chronic illness come to define me, when it is not who I am. This must & will change.

What is that one word that defines me? I don't know, but I am determined to find out.

What does a Mormon do on the Las Vegas Strip?

2010-10-11T11:25:00.004-06:00

Well, what does a Mormon do on the Las Vegas Strip? We don't drink, gamble or smoke, and clubs, most shows, and basically keeping our eyes open in such a town are out of the question, so most of the time my instinct (when I did keep my eyes open) was to vomit in utter disgust.

Firstly, I must clarify why my husband & I spent this last weekend on the Strip: it was for the wedding of a close friend of Aaron's.

Secondly, I must admit that it was not wholly without its merits or I would have run screaming in the other direction first thing. The fountains at the Bellagio left me stunned after watching the water spurt out in sync with "God Bless the USA" & "Simple Gifts," and I was crying like a baby after the Titanic Artifact Exhibition at the Luxor. The way the exhibit was set up, you actually felt like you were experiencing the docking, sailing, and sinking of the ship, but it was the list of survivors and casualties at the end that had me crying uninhibited - so many gone.

Then there was the mostly hilarious, though occasionally inappropriate experience of Penn & Teller (to which we miraculously got VIP tickets despite the fact that we paid less than half of the price of a standard ticket having purchased them through a 3rd party) and the fun times at the arcade in Circus Circus where you win a prize at almost every game. It warmed my heart to find children to give the prizes Aaron & I had won to because, lets be honest, I have no use for 10 stuffed animals, but to a child, its a treasure.

The inside of the Venetian is fabulous & I wish we could have afforded to do more than just stand outside of Madame Tussaud's wax museum & pose with Indiana Jones. There was also M&M World, several pretty amazing roller coasters (though I was unable to truly enjoy them because of my stomach condition), and a flamingo habitat at...well, the Flamingo. By the way, did you know that flamingos aren't born pink? They turn pink after eating shrimp for the first 2 years of their life & if they quit eating it, they'll lose the color again! Wild huh? I never would have guessed!

Despite these and a few other simple wonders, the atmosphere in Vegas was by & large appalling. To get to any restaurant, you have no choice but to pass through the casinos, something which I'd rather have avoided altogether. Having lived in the bubble that is Provo for so long, I'd almost forgotten the smell of cigarette smoke, but the air in Vegas was thick with it. My clothes reeked of it, my throat stung from it, and my allergies remained inflamed from the moment I stepped out of my hotel room, to the moment I got back at night, washed, changed into fresh clothing, and securely stored my attire for the day.

At night, porn peddlers line the sidewalks of the Strip, sidestepping wives and children to pass on the filth to husbands, fathers, and sons. The ground was littered with it, at times so thick I almost slipped & fell hard on the cement. I was just trying to make it to M&M world & I was bombarded with immorality on the streets, on the billboards, in the "newspaper" stands, & in the flesh.

I cannot tell you how disheartened I was to see the state of this city. I'd heard tale, but I had no idea the extent of its depravity until I saw it with my own eyes, until I felt it stab my heart firsthand. "Get out" I wanted to scream to the scantily clad women who seemed oblivious to the fact that they were objectifying themselves or at least too taken with the money it earned them to care. I just wanted to pull them aside & tell them "there is a better way - free from harassment, free from addiction, free from the bonds of sin."

I left Vegas in a state of mourning & shock. Never again will I walk those streets.

Soul Mates

2010-08-15T21:45:00.003-06:00

Do you ever wake up smiling & think "Is this really my life?" I didn't used to, but a combination of Aaron & the Gospel of Jesus Christ has made this a daily occurrence for me.

Each day as I see Aaron kneeling at our bedside to pray, I think how incredibly blessed I am to have found someone who is fully dedicated to living the Gospel.

Each day as I see him helping with household chores, working long hours to provide for our family, & giving service to others in need, I think how incredibly blessed I am to have found someone who is hardworking & charitable.

Each day as he makes me laugh uncontrollably, I think how incredibly blessed I am to have found someone who never ceases to bring a smile to my face.

Though our lives are not without their trials, I still wake up every day thanking God for the gift of companionship & the joys of real love. Though we are only 2 months into our marriage, I already wonder how I ever lived without him.

Update

2010-07-24T23:03:00.004-06:00

Aaron & I have been married now for almost 2 months & here's the honest truth: I am still ridiculously, head-over-heels, floating on a cloud in love with him & I plan to keep it that way forevermore :) That's about all the update I can muster for the moment ;)

Vegas in June

2010-06-23T18:44:00.002-06:00

The question of the hour is: Why, with a marriage planned for 2 months hence, did we jump ship, run off to Vegas, & elope.

The answer is: There is no rhyme. There is no reason, just Jenny & Aaron being plain old unpredictable & spontaneous Jenny & Aaron.

"How about we run off to Vegas?" Aaron asked me not so subtly last Monday evening. "Ok," I said, and that was it. Fifteen minutes later we were on the road headed South down I-15. We drove through the night & were married first thing in the morning in a lovely little chapel called Lilly of the Valley. There were no frills, there was no planning, just Aaron & I in flip-flops & shorts becoming husband & wife. Pastor Mayberry, a delightful African-American woman performed the ceremony. "When you are married, you are to leave your father & mother & cleave to one another. You are no longer 2, but one. You can't let anyone come between you, not father or mother, sister or brother, friends, or whoever it may be. You can separate 2," she said, "but you can't separate one." I'll never forget that inspired counsel we received as we embarked on our life together.

I'm sure your brain is filled with all kinds of probing questions as to why, how, & what on earth we were thinking, but suffice it to say that our decisions are our own. We are married & we are happy & we are looking forward to a temple marriage in the future. Could our decision have been less brash & more thought through? Absolutely. Could we have been less discreet? Undoubtedly. But will we regret our decision for even a single second? Never. I am married to the love of my life & my one day eternal companion, & in that there is much to celebrate. In truth, I'm as blissful as ever :)

The Future Holds Everything For Us...

2010-06-07T12:04:00.004-06:00

Life proves unpredictable. The second we think we have it all under control & know exactly what's coming next - BAM! Fooled you again! News flash Jenny: You are not in control of anything but how you react to the challenges & blessings around you!

If you'd told me 3 months ago that I'd be getting married at the end of the summer, I'd have laughed in your face & called you an unskilled storyteller indeed. But alas, I have been the one schooled in the divine workings of our Creator. All good things will happen in His own time & in His own way. How many times have I heard that in my life, but until now I'm not certain I fully grasped the concept. Anything is possible. Anything. I, Ms. Perpetually Single, am now engaged & life is all the more blissful for it.

Now, by popular demand, I shall impart the tale of our betrothal:

I suppose for full effect, I'll start at the beginning. You see, when my Mom had been married about 3 years she got pregnant with me.....oh, not that beginning. Ok, very well. I'll start with the beginning of us.

Last fall semester I moved a whole 2 blocks into new ward boundaries. It was a strange enough decision as I'd already resigned with my previous tenants, but I felt prompted to sell the contract & move to my current location, so that's what I did not knowing what the year had in store for me. To be completely honest, it was the worst year I've ever had. My health & emotions took me for the roller coaster ride of my life. I was pretty certain I was going crazy for a while there, but not nearly as crazy as the strange boy in my FHE group that shared with us in our first gathering that he had the talent of being able to turn his belly button inside out. Now there's a marketable skill for you! I laughed at him heartily & was dumbfounded by his spontaneity & forthrightness. First thing, I knew he was a man after my own heart.

Months passed. Trials got more & more difficult. Time moved increasingly slowly, and all the while I looked forward to the weekly laugh fests that we called FHE. Best FHE group ever. At the commencement of the New Year, our FHE families were reorganized & our group was pulled apart (*tear*). Miraculously, our new group was non-functioning. There were no boys in it. Balance is key, key, I tell you. Thankfully, our estrogen party did not last long. Our former FHE brothers had been orphaned altogether & thus we gladly adopted them back into our family.

It was at this time that our brother Joseph who had been on hiatus from the group the previous semester decided to repent of his prodigal ways. Each week he & my belly button bearing friend whose name is Aaron, by the way, began to stay for longer & longer hours after FHE. Next thing my roommate & I knew, they started coming over Sunday evenings as well. Their company was refreshing & I always enjoyed the laugh.

I found out in the beginning of February that Aaron had a birthday fast approaching & no plans to celebrate it. Unacceptable. Parties are a must, so, I made him a tray full of delicious Cookie Monster ice cream sandwiches & had our family sign a card for him. I suppose he appreciated the gesture. I just enjoyed making cookies & celebrating life!

Later in the month I had the brilliant idea to throw a Mardi Gras party. It was fantastic! Mask making, king cake, red beans & rice, beads & dancing, & alligators that made squeaking noises - can it get any better? I think not! Anyway, Aaron was, of course invited but somehow missed the memo & the party altogether. The next day he came over (it was, after all, a Sunday evening :) & spied what was left of our Mardi Gras Madness. He looked so dejected that he'd missed the party that I helped him don a lovely costume & heated up the left over red beans & rice & cornbread. As he ate we began to talk, just the two of us. This was the first time I remember really bonding with Aaron. I told him about Louisiana & our crazy Mardi Gras traditions. I told him about my conversion to the Gospel. Who knows what prompted me, but I shared with him thoughts & feelings surrounding my conversion that I'd never shared with anyone before. I had never felt so good or so comfortable opening up to someone in that way. Truth be told, I was kind of floating with joy by the time he left because it felt like in simply telling my story, some of its weight had been lifted.

The following month is somewhat of a blur. I was very ill & although I still continued to spend time with Aaron, nothing about our relations during late February & early March stood out except that I remember him telling me about some of the creative dates he'd been going on lately & I couldn't help but think, "Man, I wish it'd been me on those dates," just because they sounded like so much fun!

It began in full about mid to late March (haha, Beware the Ides of March). I had invited all of my FHE brothers over for blackberry cobbler on a lovely Sunday afternoon. Joseph, Aaron, & Paul came over. While we were eating & chatting it up, I got a text message, one of those lame forwards! "Ugh, I said, I never get any good text messages!" Next thing I know, I had received a message from Aaron who was sitting across the room. Well, it turned a little sketchy very quickly. I couldn't stop giggling at the ridiculous texts we were sharing. Paul could not resist his curiosity towards our conversation & was a bit blown away by our bold words. We continued to text until late into the night that Sunday. In fact, we texted for long hours every night the week following. I'm pretty sure I didn't get to bed until at least 1:30 in the morning every night that week. By the second day of texting we had started to call one another ridiculously cheesy nicknames. "Goodnight, Aar-bear," I said which according to Joseph, had Aaron laughing hysterically. "Dreams sweet dreams of me, Snookems," he'd write in response. Neither of us knew to what extent we were joking or when true emotions were showing through.

On Wednesday of the same week, my home teacher dropped by to give me tickets to General Conference that took place that very weekend. I had the brilliant idea of asking Aaron to take my extra ticket & come along with me. That was a bold move, but of course he accepted my offer & it was the best date ever - the Spirit, the Prophet, & a cute boy to hold hands with. That's right, we ended up holding hands. It's really quite humorous in retrospect. It was the second session of the day. We had returned back to his house to watch it. As the talks went on I noticed he kept scooting closer & closer to me. Right about the time Elder Holland's talk began, he was sitting right up against me. I finally plucked up the courage in the middle of that talk to lay my head on his shoulder. That was when our relationship became official, in the middle of Elder Holland's talk on the law of chastity. That's right, I made the moves on him in the middle of a talk on chastity. By the end of the talk however he had grabbed my hand, so I suppose he's just as guilty as me. Either way, it makes for a funny story.

The rest, my friends, is history. We have only spent one day apart since that glorious kick off to General Conference & it was the most miserable day of my existence. I'm certain I don't know anymore how I survived without Aaron by my side.

One night, not long into our relationship Aaron asked me inquisitively, "Where do you see this relationship going?" "Well, no rush," I said, "but I'm up for anything." "Really?" he replied in shock, "so if I just pulled a ring out of my pocket right now, you'd say yes." Again I replied, "I'm up for anything." I'm not certain at all where the courage to say those words came from, but they blew me away. Thankfully, the wind blew Aaron in the same direction.

Neither of us had expected for love to come so quickly & so naturally. I've been hurt enough times in life to build a fairly sturdy wall of mistrust, but for some reason beyond my comprehension, I threw open the doors & let Aaron in without the slightest bit of protest. "This is crazy," said the sensible side of my brain, "but right nonetheless" retorted a corner previously untapped in such a setting. I can't explain to you why everything happened as it did, I just know that it did & I wouldn't change it for the world.

This weekend (after only a little over 2 months dating) Aaron properly "popped the question," & I couldn't imagine giving any answer but, "YES! With all of my heart, YES!" I'm not sure there was ever any other answer to give.

We were Washington - beautiful, sunny, windy, Washington. Aaron had bought a new kite the week before in Utah & kept hoping for a gusty day, but Utah would not give it up. Washington was another story altogether. The weather was perfect for flying kites. We parked by a large field & tried our best to get our kite in the air, but after 30 minutes of failed attempts & the entrance of an industrial lawn mower onto the field, I insisted to Aaron that it was about time to give up. Little did I know that tied to the unproductive kite string was the symbol that would make our love official. The ring which he slid slyly onto my finger was still attached to the kite as he said the words I'd been waiting for for some time: "Will you marry me?" Of course I will, my love. Of course I will.

Vision

2010-05-18T00:52:00.001-06:00

They say hindsight is 20/20, but no matter the clarity of your vision, it does no good to anyone if you don't open your eyes.

Helen Keller once said that "the most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision," & I feel apt to believe her. Yesterday I was watching America: The Story of Us, a new series on the History channel, & the extent of my ingratitude was flashed before my eyes. Electricity, plumbing, safety regulations, cars, waste management, desegregation (etc, etc, etc) - all of these I did not recognize as the luxuries they are. I did not realize how much others have suffered that we may not. I know that our time is not without its difficulties - immorality runs rampant, many diseases remain incurable, and people lose hope every day as they let trying circumstances determine their destiny; but all in all our generation is spoiled with opportunities. Opportunities to become, opportunities to invent, opportunities to succeed & grow & flourish lie within our grasp if we but reach out and take them for our own. The reach will require patience, diligence, & a steady hand. It will require freedom from distraction & an unwavering vision of eternal goals. The journey may be long & rocky. The load may be heavy to bare, but keep in mind the master that you serve & if you chose wisely your weight shall be removed & replaced with joy immeasurable.

Booked

2010-05-11T16:22:00.004-06:00

I love having a schedule. It makes me feel productive even if I'm not actually doing anything productive within my allotted time. This summer, although no particular schedule has been assigned to me, I've talked myself into believing that one has. With eight hour work days, scripture study, & exercise, my day fills up quickly. There is also the little factor of spending every spare moment I have with Aaron.

So, without any strings tying me down, I've, of my own accord, filled my calendar for the next 3 months straight. It feels extraordinarily freeing to be able to make such a choice, to wake up each day & say "Decisions do determine my destiny & I'm choosing the better part!"

Cloud Nine

2010-04-26T16:33:00.000-06:00

This last month has been filled with all the delights of courtship: movies, Conference, cuddling, dreaming under the weeping elm, Humor U (I could literally die...literally ;), Frisbee golf, leisurely strolls, holding hands, whacking gators at the nickel arcade, ice cream, making dinner, temple picnics, & the joy of just being together. I never knew I could be so happy. Part of me thinks that I'm just going to wake up one day & it'll all be gone because it was all a dream, one beautiful, blissful, drawn out illusion. If ever a human could rise off the ground & float through their existence, that human would be me right here, right now. If I could pinpoint an overarching emotion, I would select one that you might not be expecting: Gratitude. After 25 years of virtual singleness, I have received the fruit of my labors, a blessing beyond imagining, and all I can think to say is thank you. Thank you a million times, Dear Father.

As a Result

2010-03-24T00:21:00.003-06:00

Dear Friends,

My attempts to overcome my slackerness have been successful thus far. Although I am oftentimes still confined to my home, I feel like I am getting much more accomplished in life. When I feel up for it, I try to get in a leisurely stroll, do a homework assignment, read my scriptures, etc. When I don't, I'm really good about curling into a ball & giving my body the rest, etc. it requires. If I could pinpoint the life experiences that I'm gaining from this particular trial, I'd say they all revolve around developing compassion.

How hard it is to be judgemental of anyone when you're in your lowliest state. Who can know the heart of a man, the aches & pains of weariness, the trials that do beset each human except for the Eternal One? I'm realizing how I've foolishly jumped to conclusions about so many people around me. Even with the haunting warning of my 8th grade Algebra teacher that to assume makes an ass (in the Biblical sense) out of you and me, I've been filled with false pride & convinced of my own ability to discern. What do I know, after all? Only that which has been taught me, & of that, only that which I chose to internalize. What I'm saying, in essence, is that I'm feeble, & remorseful for the ill-advised judgments of yesteryear. We each have a story to tell of who we are, how we got there, & where we're heading in the future. Sometimes those tales align & sometimes we veer from the path, following enticing rabbit trails, sometimes finding ourselves completely lost from our original intentions. The point is, we all step off the path from time to time & because of that, we must be willing to give the forgiveness we seek from others.

You have a story, I'm sure & I want to hear it. I want you in all of your humanness. I want to see you as the Eternal One views you, flawed & weak but also as a child of light, made in His image. My current trials have set me back on course & find myself grateful for this particular pain. It has not been fun. It has not been easy, but it has been what I've needed & that gives me hope for a brighter day. Thank you all who have supported me through this difficult time. I shall never forget the love you've shown me & the lessons you've taught me.

-Jenny

Slacking

2010-03-17T11:42:00.002-06:00

Dear Friends,

Illness & lack of motivation have turned me into a slacker. I am horribly behind in my school work, and have no choice but to hit the books hardcore for the rest of the semester. Though illness might prevent my full productivity, facebook shall not prohibit it.

I am hereby making a resolution to henceforth withdraw from my participation in farmville (sorry family if this disappoints you;I must rid myself of this particular addiction) & I am limiting my facebook time to 15 minutes once a day. My time for today is already spent.

I have decided to fill my life with more worthy pursuits.

Sincerely,
Jenny

Amplification

2010-03-10T09:22:00.003-07:00

"And it came to pass that as I followed him I beheld myself that I was in a dark and dreary waste. And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies. And it came to pass after I had prayed unto the Lord I beheld a large and spacious field. And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy. And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit....And I beheld a rod of iron, and it extended along the bank of the river, and led to the tree by which I stood. And I also beheld a strait and narrow path, which came along by the rod of iron, even to the tree by which I stood; and it also led by the head of the fountain, unto a large and spacious field, as if it had been a world. And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the tree by which I stood.
And it came to pass that they did come forth, and commence in the path which led to the tree. And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost. And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree. And after they had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed. And I also cast my eyes round about, and beheld, on the other side of the river of water, a great and spacious building; and it stood as it were in the air, high above the earth. And it was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female; and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine; and they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come at and were partaking of the fruit. And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost....behold, he saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree."
1 Nephi 8: 7-12;19-30

"In the course of life all of us spend time in “dark and dreary” places, wildernesses, circumstances of sorrow or fear or discouragement. Our present day is filled with global distress over financial crises, energy problems, terrorist attacks, and natural calamities. These translate into individual and family concerns not only about homes in which to live and food available to eat but also about the ultimate safety and well-being of our children and the latter-day prophecies about our planet. More serious than these—and sometimes related to them—are matters of ethical, moral, and spiritual decay seen in populations large and small, at home and abroad. But I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help Adam and Eve, to help the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself."
-Jeffrey R Holland, The Ministry of Angels

Now, for my own words. I shall not pretend that I am not currently in this wilderness. The trials that currently beset me seem almost insurmountable, but as I sat in Sacrament meeting on Sunday I felt the reassurance that if I just hold on a bit longer, the fruit of my labors will be manifest. That is the hope that I cling to now, the promise that God has not nor ever will forsake me. The little angels in my life that have helped me along thus far continue to appear frequently to bolster me up, to brighten my day, to carry me through when I have no strength to bare any more. What is the Lord preparing me for? I cannot say. What will I learn from all of this? I haven't the foggiest idea. I just know that when it passes, & I know that it will, I will be stronger, more able, and more willing than I ever have been.

Well, Well, Well...

2010-02-24T01:24:00.006-07:00

On the subject of accents, I must press the opinion that they are indeed amazing, which is why I am disappointed that my Southern-ness in not more apparent. In fact, today I caught myself pronouncing "home" in typical Utah fashion as "holme." What the heck is that? There is no "l" in "home!" I'm from Louisiana for crying out loud! I should be chalked full of ya'lls & jewantoos, but alas, my "Yankee" Daddy caused a clash of accents which resulted in a rarely distinguishable Southern twang. So, sorry to disappoint all you Utah folk, but I ain't about to go Scarlet O'Hara on you, which is fortunate for y'all cause she was one obnoxious self-absorbed belle!

On the subject of health, I my opinion can be summed into this phrase: Boo on illness. That is all.

On the subject of school, I have to say A+. Not that that's my grade in ANY of my classes right now, but hey, Heavenly Father's really been looking out for me, so I can't complain.

On the subject of religion, I must establish that I love the Gospel & all that it encompasses, but agency is not my favorite gospel principle right now. Note to self: must acquire patience & a more understanding heart cause I feel like a hater & I'm pretty sure nobody died & made me judge.

Jennifer

2010-02-14T22:54:00.005-07:00

I did a search on Facebook tonight & found out that there are some terribly frightening looking people with the same name as me. One in particular with bright red hair & a leprechan hat just about scared me out of my wits, and got me to thinking about my name. Jennifer is such a common name, especially in the girls of my generation. Growing up, there were always at least 2 other Jennifer's in my class, a predicament which yielded the ridiculous assumption of a surname initial as part of my title. Even still, I cannot tell you how many times my hopes have been dashed as I've turned my head at the summoning of another Jennifer.

My mother tells me that I came very close to being called Shawna, an English name, meaning "God's grace." I'm very glad that this is not the distinction I was born to live up to, for I am neither graceful nor a magnanamous gift from heaven. Jennifer, though common, defines me within boundaries that I feel fully capable of filling the shoes of. "White wave" it means, "pure and yielding." Not that I am fully pure or as humble as I ought to be, but that it is my greatest desire to become such & to sweep over all within my reach with the joy of pure love and understanding. Someday I'll be as good as my name....someday....

Under my Umbrella

2010-01-21T08:36:00.004-07:00

I bet it's on days like today that the guy who invented umbrellas is sitting somewhere in the spirit world, nodding his head, smiling slyly, and saying to every passerby - "Yeah...you can thank me for that later." I know that's what I'd be doing if I'd invented such a simply ingenious device.

Sometimes I think about the judgment day, when we'll all stand accountable for our creations and actions, and it occurs to me how sad it will be for someone who spent their life making those ugly little figurines that they sell at dollar stores. "Well Joe, what did you do with your life?" I'd ask the guy waiting in line next to me. "Oh, ya know," he'd say, "I haphazardly constructed useless pieces of junk..." That would be a sad day indeed to fess up to that one. I think even sadder yet would be to be the person who actually bought the things. Seriously, think about it. They wouldn't keep making them in mass if people weren't buying them in mass. That just sends chills up my spine. What a tragic waste of the human experience!

I think deep down inside, we are all creators of something, & I personally would like to create only the best things. Love in the home, a cleverly worded poem, plastic wrap that actually sticks to the plate - ya know, stuff like that. I realize we can't be perfect inventors, but how sad it would be if we stopped at creating something that was merely workable but not efficient or beautiful or even effective? "Insanity" said Albert Einstein is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results," and I, for one, would highly like to avoid insanity. Therefore, I deem it quite necessary to leave all my efforts open for revision & improvement. As such, I'm pretty sure I'd be a miserable failure at "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" because my final answer is rarely bestowed.

Fairy flight

2010-01-16T17:15:00.003-07:00

There is too much of a dreamer in me to ever be thoroughly grounded. For too long I've made attempts to deny this reality, but ah, to no avail. One sappy romantic comedy and I'm soaring through the clouds. One swish of the wind as I face the day with i-pod in tow & my heart is filled with the secret delights of possibility and providential chance. My hopes are constantly racing to & fro, grasping at wisps of joy, flitting from thought to thought in seemingly spontaneous bursts. "You're so funny, Jenny," everyone says, but what they don't know is that I'm absolutely serious.

Lately

2009-12-08T14:36:00.003-07:00

"There is...this analogy between the claims of our religion & the claims of...war: neither of them, for most of us will simply cancel or remove from the slate the merely human life which we were leading before we entered them"
-C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory, pg. 52

I read this a couple of weeks ago in one of my English classes, and I just can't quit thinking about it. This month will mark six years since I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and as I think back on all of the changes that have occurred in me since that time, I realize in essence that I haven't really changed that much. I still get up every day & eat breakfast, brush my teeth, & go to school and/or work. I still love music & literature & movies although my tastes have been refined a bit. I still have moments & days when I'm angry or sad or just don't feel like getting up out of bed or seeing anyone of the human species, but I think that's OK. This is, after all, a mortal experience. We are supposed to be effected by our surroundings, to be passionate about life & subject to the ill-effects of limited scope. All of this just serves to strengthen our dependence on the Immortal One. As we realize day by day that we truly have no control over anything but our own actions & even those can be controlled by circumstance if we allow them, we come to see how much we need to make sure we're under the direction of the One who does have things under control. This semester I've felt weak & I've felt sad & angry & burdened & lonely (thankfully intermixed with a little bit of blissful & overjoyed & grateful), but more than anything, this semester I've just felt human.

Lessons of Old

2009-10-27T22:19:00.006-06:00

As I sat in Sacrament meeting Sunday, a bitter taste filled my mouth. I reached into my purse & pulled out a package of Icebreakers. As I did, I recalled an instance from my mission.

I was sitting in Sacrament meeting on that day too, waiting for services to begin. Beside me to the right sat a young girl & to my left my companion. I remembered in passing that I had one Cream Saver left in my bag, tucked neatly beside a copy of the Book of Mormon. As my hand emerged from my bag, I saw the young girl's eyes widen. "Cream Savers are my favorite," she said longingly. "Mine too," I said with a smile & popped it into my mouth. As I turned to face forward, I saw my companion's eyes widen. "She wanted that candy, Sister," my companion said in a harsh hushed tone. "So did I," I said, "& it was my last one. I'd have given it to her if I had another." "Did I really just say that," I thought to myself. "I did not come all the way out here, thousands of miles from my family & everything I've ever known just to be selfish."

"If ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth."

Nothing. That's what I felt like the second I realized what I'd done to that little girl. I'd taught her a lesson on how not to be Christlike. I'd done the opposite of my intentions as a missionary. I was the one who had failed.

As I pondered that earlier occurrence & opened my package of Icebreakers I noticed that the labels on the tabs were reversed. Over the tiny hole it said "to share" & over the large one, "not to share." It made me think of how important it is to remember that it is in these moments when we feel least inclined to be Christlike, or "to share," that we need more than ever to open our hearts fully to those around us. This time, when the opportunity came, I offered one candy to the person at my left & one to the person at my right & I was sorely tempted to just pass it down the aisle so that no one was left out. I learned a great lesson in that small occasion on my mission, & though there are times that it still does not sink in, it has changed me. I think, in the end, that is what the Atonement is all about, turning rough stones into beautifully crafted gems by freeing us of one piece of debris at a time.

Trials

2009-10-18T23:28:00.006-06:00

This week has unquestionably made my list of "worst weeks ever."

There were a million things that hit me simultaneously, a combination which seemed too much to bear, but these are the trials that Heavenly Father has seen fit for me to have at this time, so I know that in all actuality, the load can & will be borne.

What would the Lord have me learn from this?

-The depth of the suffering in the world around me?
-My power to effect others for good?
-The contrast between joy & pain?
-My own strength?
-The strength of the Lord to sustain?
-The roads I don't want to travel myself?
-The awesomeness of the timetable of God?
-The patience it takes to endure?

Maybe it's all of these things,
maybe it's something else entirely, but rest assured, time will tell.

I listened this week as friend after friend poured out their soul to me.
I listened as their burdens became my own.
I listened as anger & disappointment filled my heart towards those who hurt them.
I listened as love overwhelmed my very being.

Tonight, my heart goes out in prayer for them all.
Tonight, I pass the burden to One more equipped to bear the load.
Tonight, my tears are not in vain, I am certain,
for tomorrow will be better & I will NOT be alone.

Impatience

2009-10-06T21:01:00.006-06:00

Heavenly Father is timing is so much better than my own. You'd think I'd have completely overcome my impatient spirit by now, but alas, I am tragically flawed...

Take my experiences of Friday night, for example:

The week prior, the lessons in church had prompted me to make 2 goals.

1. Make a list of questions for General Conference
&
2. GO TO THE TEMPLE.

Neither were such an unusual goal for me. Each Conference I make a list of questions to be answered & I go to the temple every Saturday. However, due to unfortunate circumstances, I had missed being able to go the week before. Therefore, on Friday, the last day that I could go before Conference began, I was absolutely determined to make it. I was only going to be able to make it there right before the last session began, but I timed it with a few minutes to spare. Just as my roommate, Trina, & I were walking out the door, however, she got a phone call from another friend of ours who wanted to go with us. As we waited for our addition, I stared down the clock & as minutes multiplied into the double digits, I went into panic mode.

"They're going to close the doors before we get there!"
I'm not going to make it on time."

I patted an uneven rhythm on the steering wheel as my patience faded away. Finally, at 7 minutes till closing time, the girl rushed out of the door. My greeting was curt, to say the least. When we got to the temple, 2 minutes AFTER door closing, we rushed out of the car & half-way up the hill the girl paused. She had forgotten something in the car & had to go back. That was when I left both Trina & the girl behind & rushed through the doors myself. "Cutting it close," the friendly brother at the desk said with a chuckle. "Yeah," I said with a sigh.

It is hard to explain how foolish I felt when I entered the session & saw a sister from my ward whom I was clearly meant to encounter & I would not have encountered at all had everything gone according to my plan.

Again, on Saturday, in my rush for timeliness, I got frustrated with having to wait in the line of a slow checker at Michael's only to run smack into a friend of my roommate & I who was exhausted & needed our assistance.

To be completely honest, as I look back over the happenings of the last week, instance after instance stands out in my mind all of which point directly to the fact that I need to simmer down & realize that God has it all under control.

With my list of concerns & questions I went to General Conference & guess what I heard in every talk...

Patience. Have patience. Be patient. Exude patience.
BECAUSE
He offers deliverance, safety, healing, etc.
In essence, He offers everything we need but IN HIS OWN TIME & IN HIS OWN WAY.

Tonight, in fact, cemented that principle into my mind & here's how:

My roommate & I were having a fun conversation about our dealings with our father's. "My Dad," I said, "always calls me a 'dorkfish." "Had any corn dogs lately?" he asks me on a regular basis. Trina & I laughed over that a bit & while still chortling, we heard a knock at our door. It was my old roommate Holly.

"So, am I crazy?" she started the conversation, "I was driving home from the temple tonight & I felt like I needed to go to the Creamery." "I went in," she said, "& saw this package of corn dogs...I bought it & as I got close to your house, I felt like I needed to give them to you."

My jaw dropped to the floor. CORN DOGS? How did God know that I was going to make that comment about my father 30 seconds prior? How did he know that it would be just the "coincidence" to lift our spirits? CORN DOGS?!? Something so insignificant in the grander scheme of things, something so inconsequential, but that instantaneously filled my soul with joy. The Lord loves me. He loves me ALOT. He loves me enough to give me one more laugh for the day. He loves me enough to let me know that if He can orchestrate the delivery of a punchline so flawlessly, He can change my life in the beating of a heart. If God can give me a corn dog, why not increased health or financial security, or an eternal companion? He can & He will when the time is right. That is the reality that I am faced with & the peace that fills my heart.

Lists

2009-09-04T23:40:00.003-06:00

So, here's my last month in a nutshell:

Family History, Move, Temple, Education Week, Temple, School, Homework, Temple, Sleep.

I now feel I must vent my frustrations in order to rid myself of their weight. Then, to balance the weight, comes a list of the blessings.

Official frustrations:
Immodest runners, Pirhanas in human form, Vague details & missing instructions, $$$$, Fluffy get-to-know-you conversations (if one more person asks me my major, I might vomit right on the spot), Laziness, Being left out, Being forgotten, Overwhelmingly large amounts of homework on the first week of school & over the holiday, Movies that waste my time, People who only pretend to listen to you...etc,etc,etc.

Blessings unmeasured:
Amazing Parents & Extended Family, The Temple, Studying the book of Revelation & somewhat understanding it, my Roomie :), Fuzzy blankets, A place to stay, A car to drive, A job that pays(in fact, I got 2 additional job offerings this week - how many people can say that right now?), Going to BYU, Being able to run a little bit farther every day, The large beanbag in my living room, Inspiring texts, Forgetting to quit speaking Spanish when I leave my Spanish class...what a joke my Spanish is at present...LOL..., music to keep me going, occassional naps, proclaiming the completion of 2 minors, Laughing over spilled milk & getting my foot stuck inbetween the wall and my bedpost, Meeting new people - some of whom are actually enjoyable...etc,etc,etc.

I might add more to this later...

Opacity

2009-08-11T21:52:00.006-06:00

"They who dwell in HIS presence are the church of the Firstborn; and they see as they are seen, and know as they are known, having received of his fullness and of his grace" -D&C 76:94

I cannot quit running this verse through my head. I chew and chew & find myself unable to fully digest it. What would it be like to see through HIS eyes? To understand with HIS clarity? To behold each person I encounter with the same love that I see manifest towards me through HIS immense blessings? I cannot comprehend it, but I know that I must.

"But great and marvelous are the works of the Lord...which surpass all understanding in glory, and in might, and in dominion...for they are only to be seen and understood by the power of the Holy Spirit, which God bestows on those who love him, and purify themselves before him." -D&C 76:114-116

Goodbye to You

2009-08-02T20:15:00.008-06:00

Confession: I find it abnormally difficult to let go of people.

Maybe it's because I love too completely. Maybe it's because of a fear of change or of the unknown that I harbor deep within me. Maybe it's because I'm more complacent than I feel willing to admit. I'm fairly certain it's a bit of all, but I also feel that it's because Heavenly Father has particularly blessed me with the best sort of friends. They are here, then they're gone & more friends come along that are just as amazing, but the new friends never fill the gap that those before have left.

I think it quite possible that my heart is expanding exponentially every year in order to accommodate for new gaps left. BYU, in fact, has become notorious for creating empty cavities. After spending an entire year coming to know & love so many people in my current ward, it is all coming to an end with a crashing thud. In 2 weeks, we will have dispersed into a nonexistent whole & I do not look forward to that day. I would much rather find a situation where the flow is at least a bit more dulled by consistency. Singles ward, smingles ward. I'm tired of saying goodbye to the people I love, but I suppose it is asked of me for another season, so this too I shall try to endure with a happy heart.

For the moment

2009-07-29T23:06:00.004-06:00

I am stuck in limbo between definitive answers.
Ever so impatiently I wait to take a step in either direction.
Truth be told, there's only one direction I'd like to leap,
but fear & uncertainty firmly hold me paralyzed.
This is madness, pure exhausting madness.
This is the stress of my life & the longing within me that never dulls.
Push & pull, then push & pull,
then collapse because I've gone nowhere.
This cannot continue in such a manner. I am torn apart with grief as it is.

Warning/Update

2009-07-24T15:27:00.007-06:00

Warning:

I am, for all intensive purposes, the miscellaneous spice in the zesty salad dressing of life. I could show up anywhere, anyhow & you can never expect me to taste exactly the same. I am not suited to routine, monotonous, or complacent functions.

I'm just saying....

Update:

For those of you who have not yet heard:

I have emerged victorious from the bloody battle that was My Crusade. All traces of vileness have been exterminated from the shelves of the BYU Sampler section.

Joy. Immense joy.

Godly Sorrow

2009-07-19T13:40:00.003-06:00

Recall how you broke our hearts, Dear Brother,
by the pain that we saw within you.
Recall how you needed our aid, Dear Brother,
but our efforts did naught to renew.

Remember the tears that you shed, Dear Brother,
when helpless and fallen, alone?
Remember the words that you spoke, Dear Brother,
on the step of our quiet home?

Resist the urge to turn back, Dear Brother,
though the path's fraught with trials amassed.
Resist the pull to recant, Dear Brother,
for the future is never the past.

Repentance is more than a word, Dear Brother.
It's more than a deed or a thought.
Repentance, a change of the mind, Dear Brother,
allows us to be what we're not.

Remember that sins are forgiven, Dear Brother,
that it was for you that Christ died.
Remember you're never alone, Dear Brother.
Remember we're here by your side.

St. George Island

2009-06-30T17:15:00.007-06:00

In order to properly honor my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, my family decided to take a 7 day break from reality. My gracious Aunt rented a veritable mansion on the oft overlooked island of St. George which lies 4 miles off the coast of Florida. Access to the island is gained over this miracle of a bridge which appears would probably be engulfed by thrashing waves with even the slightest of breezes. As we crossed said bridge for the first time, I could hear the theme from Jurassic Park reverberating through my ears. The scene was so reminiscent of Jeff Goldblum's first glimpse of pterodactyls flying over what would become the island of amusement and death. I was hoping that the death part would not be a part of my reality, but a childlike thrill entered my heart as I watched the seagulls and pelicans swoop & dive past our car and into the water in a daring display of precision. I was in awe.

Our home for the coming week was the furthermost house on the island, 7 miles from the magical bridge, 7 miles too far for a phone carrier to extend reception. Chateau by the Sea, the house had been dubbed, and it's up for grabs for a little under $2 million. Yeah, holy cow. That's what I said too when we pulled in the driveway of the 3-story mammoth. I rushed in quickly to take it all in.

1st floor - pool room & a chamber which we shortly thereafter dubbed "the throne room."

2nd floor - 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 of which were equipped with jacuzzi tubs (score!), a deck to relax upon, and entrance to our own private swimming pool.

3rd floor - kitchen, living room, another master suite complete with another jacuzzi tub & an extra bathroom just for kicks.

5 TVs, a PlayStation (boo!), a sound system that spans the entire house complete this brilliant creation.

Oh, & did I forget to mention that this all lay on the edge of our own private beach, so the sea shells weren't over-picked, we didn't have to fight for sand space, & even my grandmother felt comfortable waltzing around in her swimsuit. 100 yards off the shoreline dolphins jumped & celebrated their freedom in the water. My family & I, were a bit more cautious. As the story goes, where there are dolphins, sharks lurk close by. St. George Island, as a matter of fact, had hosted its 3rd annual shark fishing classic just the week before, so I was pretty certain that if there were sharks around they would be TICKED! Either way though, I wasn't going to take any chances. I never swam more than 10 feet away from my Daddy, and I always cleverly nestled myself behind 1 or 2 more daring swimmers. Shark bait I am not, or as my Papa always says, "My Mama didn't raise many fools, & I sure ain't one of them!"

All in all our week went splendidly. There was the one morning that Mimi attempted to wake me up at 7 am. According to Mountain Standard Time, that's 5 in the blasted morning, so needless to say, I was not at my best. I can't remember exactly what I said or did, but as I was functioning somewhat below my normal level of cognizance, that's no surprise. All I can say is that my 4-year old niece was thereafter terrified to wake me & Mimi did not repeat her attempt to make me an early bird. I need my beauty sleep, ya know? There was also the night that we visited the Big Tent market 5 minutes before closing. We should have known better than to shop at a circus themed grocery store, but intuition did not kick in in this instance. Quickly we scavenged the aisles for food-like items. I always thought I'd make an excellent contestant on Shop-Till-You-Drop, and my family seems to share my skills because in 5 minutes we had all filled our carts & proceeded to the checkout counter. There is where the mischief began. Our checker made small talk with us for about a minute until we were all rudely interrupted by 2 teenage girls banging fervently on the door which had already been locked for closing. "Where's our mother?!?" they screamed, then proceeded to make claims of a violently ill sister who occupied the parking lot. "She's in the back counting money," the checker retorted. "She'll be out in a minute." The next thing I know the girls were pounding ruthlessly on the door, yanking persistently at the handle, & screaming obscenities that would have made a sailor blush. My Aunt, who had been about to leave the store, retreated a few steps, and the checker tried to focus on checking. She emptied all of our buggies, charged us the required fees, then pulled out her keyring to open the door for us. Timidly we walked out of the store as the girls stared us down. As Papa closed the door, one of them stealthily slipped through the remaining crack. Smart move on her part. She got locked in. The other girl had rejoined a group of stragglers in the lot. As we loaded our cars, they crammed themselves (all 15 of them) into their clown-car & drove hastily off, to go grab their shotguns, we presumed. In the meantime, the girl who'd been locked in the store had been granted release & paced swiftly back & forth ranting about being left behind. We all quickly filed into our cars, and peeled out of the parking lot with all possible haste. Like I said, my Great-Grandma didn't raise many fools & none of us where among them (at least on this occasion).

Despite these moments of exasperation, days, as a whole were uneventful. We spent them lazing around the pool, the beach, or in our spacious house. At night we visited the town. Seafood restaurants abounded. Oysters & shrimp became the food of choice. Well, maybe not on my part...OK, definitely not on my part. I detest seafood, but I mostly found acceptable alternatives.

The atmosphere, though not perfect, was perfect for us & at the end of the week not a one of us was happy to go. Reality was just too far away, life too complicated and exhausting, but what overwhelmed us all more than anything was the prospect of going our separate ways - some to Louisiana, some to Tennessee, and me to far distant Utah. If our week in paradise proved anything to me, it's that families should not be separated. Families need each other. Through the week we all felt the absence of my older brother, & in these weeks following I especially have felt the absence of the relations we renewed.

On the drive back to Tennessee my Aunts and I picked up a book-on-tape from a Cracker Barrel. Their selection of books yielded only 2 possibilities that sounded interesting and were the proper length for the duration of our journey. We picked the longer of the 2, a Christmas novel by Richard Paul Evans entitled "Finding Noel." I am certain that it was an inspired choice, almost as ingenious as my idea to re-solidify our melted salt water taffy in the air vents of my Aunt's Nissan Altima. We were all in tears by the end of the last CD, mostly because the story rang so true to our week on the magical island of Saint George. I will never forget the final words of the book.

"Christmas" or in my case vacation, "is really no more than...humanity's search for the familiar...And in the end all any of us are looking for is home."

More & more as the years go by, I realize, if my family is there, it is home. Anytime. Anywhere.

Crazy the Bird

2009-06-19T15:33:00.009-06:00

I made a new friend today.

As I lounged unassumingly on my Aunt's fluffy living room furniture, I heard a certain peck at the window beside me. A few seconds later, I heard it again. I could not see what was making the noise, but 3 rooms away, I heard my Aunt grumble under her breath, "that stupid bird...mumble, grumble, mumble" - just like that. I did not have to sit there much longer before I heard the peck again. This time I looked closely & right before my eyes was a cardinal ramming himself against the window.

"Peck," I hear, then he flew away. "Peck," again, but this time he fell to the ground, somewhat dizzy from the experience, I'm sure.

"I think he knocked some screws loose," my Aunt said. "A couple of month ago, we had a mirror in the backyard & he fell in love with himself & kept flying into it over & over again. We finally got rid of the mirror, and now he just flies at the window all day long. He's just so stupid."

"Maybe he's plotting to take over the house," I said. "Maybe," she laughed in reply.

I've been thinking about that bird all day (mostly because he knocks himself out after 3-5 attempts at the window, then starts up again 10 minutes later - that is one determined bird), but I just can't figure it out. Why would a bird fly into a window over & over again, day after day after day? Whatever the motive, why hasn't he given up after so many failures? He might be the Alexander Graham Bell of birds, but I imagine the only thing ringing are his ears!

All of this brings to mind another question, though. If a dizzy person sees birds circling his head, what does a bird see? I'm going to have to guess worms. It seems only proper.

Ha!

2009-06-17T10:36:00.004-06:00

You think you got me this time with your glorified hobo trap.
A few morsels of bread, & I am ripe for the cooking?

You, sir, are sorely mistaken.

I will not fall prey to your dew-encrusted treats,
or suffer the hungry soul to be half-quenched
then limited for all eternity.

You have misjudged my stamina, & worse yet,
smeared my reputation with your assumptions.

I am more than your gluten-filled lies.
I am more than the quickly forming mold.
I am steadfast & immovable & eager for the challenge.

Woo-hoo!

2009-06-15T16:19:00.001-06:00

I'm going to Florida this week!!
I'm gonna see my family!!
I AM REALLY HAPPY!!

That is all :)

Heart Palpitations

2009-06-09T15:03:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I spent 30 minutes quite convinced that I had come down with Alzheimer's or that someone had "flashy-thinged" me Men in Black style. I wasn't sure which, but I knew that my memory had gone - somewhere, somehow & I couldn't manage to recall it for the life of me.

If someone had given me something & I had not been cognizant when they had, where would I have put it???

I wracked my brain for an image, a location, a hint of recollection, but if it had occurred, it most assuredly failed to penetrate my short-term memory.

"I gave it to the new girl..."
"Jennifer?"
"Yeah, that's her!"

Where is that blasted zip drive?

I'm insane. It's official. I metaphorically fell of my rocker & am now sprawled on the floor in a haphazard jumble of twisted limbs & confusion.

I searched the desk, the drawers, the garbage cans, my bags, her bags, every computer in the Family History Library. I was frantic.

I ate it. I must have eaten it in my subconscious state!
Or I dropped it as I climbed the stairs to get a bagel.

I'm a failure. I'm a lunatic. I'm the worst employee that the FHL has ever had. They're going to fire me & I won't be able to find another job for the shame of it all. I'm just going to die, right here on the spot.

"Brrriinnnggg. Brrriiiinnnggg"
"Hello?"
"Ugh, yeah, I found it in my pocket. I feel so stupid."

You feel stupid? YOU feel stupid?? I very nearly lost my mind!
Shesh! That was a close call.
Next time I must focus & breath. Just focus & breath, Jenny.
It'll all be alright.

Gentle Breezes through an Open Window

2009-06-05T13:26:00.002-06:00

Blessings come now as sparkling light in the midst of a dreary existence.
I'm not certain when the transition occurred.
Months ago I could only find a few thorns amongst the roses,
but it did change, slowly & surely,
and I know not how to make it return to its prior vivacity.

The days pass as moments of excitement are lulled into passivity
by humming computers and the hope of another day.

What comes at the dawning of another day?
Exhaustion, monotony, and the hope of yet another opportunity to liven up...well, my life.

I am certain this is not how it is meant to be lived,
but at least for the moment, I have no idea how to change it.

Broken Glass & Cleansing Fire

2009-06-02T08:01:00.003-06:00

This is my prayer now:
that I may not lose sight of the light,
that I may not give up or turn away in defeat.

Trials come & go,
for they are nothing but fleeting shadows.
Heavenly Father will never leave me defenseless.
It is to that promise I must cling.

"May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh, how far you are from home

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day

When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now"

Seamless

2009-05-30T01:33:00.001-06:00

Hinged together, torn apart,
metaphorically tarred and feathered.
scrape, scratch, scrape, scratch, scrape.

Patched and stapled,
stitched and hemmed,
reform, repair, renew.

Give and pull,
falls apart,
tsk, tsk, tsk.

This is indeed the song that never ends.

Mulch Dreams & Anthills

2009-05-26T11:48:00.013-06:00

Last week I walked into a friend's apartment to ask a simple question. An hour later, I walked out with the express intent of a rendezvous with the California coastline. Two days later, we had accrued a following of 15 BYU students eager to be rid of the Provo air. It was final. In the afternoon 5 days following the original conception of theory, we were to embark upon our summertime excursion.

I threw myself into the preparation process. Swimsuit - Check, Sunglasses - Check, Oil Change, Lodging, Car Cleaned - Check! Pumped, stoked, ecstatic, I was all of these. I was never hesitant or fearful or anything but sure that this trip was the best decision I'd made in a long time.

Thursday at 4:30 pm we left Provo, windows down, music on, spirits at an all-time high.

"On the stereo,
Listen as we go,
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
California here we come,
Right back where we started from"

Brian's road trip mix played on & on, but we never tired of laughing about doughnuts & barking dogs, racist dragons & sweet, sweet sandwiches. On we went, breaking shortly in St. George to visit the infamous In & Out, passing uneventfully through the thoroughly eye-scarring Las Vegas, and finally settling for the night in podunk Victorville, California.

As spontaneously daring as it sounds to sleep four adults in a 5-seater car, practically applying the theory is a lot easier said than done. I curled up in a ball in the front passenger seat, pillowless & cramped & attempted to get some shut-eye. I never knew there were so many sounds in the night. Barking dogs (not so funny at 4 in the morning), ambulances, and snoring carmates in the end yielded about an hour to an hour & 1/2 sleep for me. A couple of the inhabitants of the other car attempted to sleep on the ground outside. I'm not sure they realize how lucky they were to have picked a spot that was just far enough from the hugenormous anthills that sporadically spotted the ground. And yet, as I finish this segment of the story, the thought that immediately comes to mind is - "Good times, good times!" There is a part of me that can't help but secretly enjoy every minute of it just because it was different & exciting & a mutual experience among friends, one that can be looked back upon and laughed about for years to come.

Friday began at 6:00 am with a random stray barking in the face of one of our outdoor troopers. We drove the remaining distance to Magic Mountain, just north of LA & arrived with time to spare for the opening of the amusement park. Within the first hour we had ridden on enough rides to count as the equivalent of what would normally have taken an entire day of standing in line. This included the oh so frightening & adrenaline inciting Tatsu during which ride my friend seated beside me screamed "If I don't make it through this I just want you to know that I love you!!!!!" Hahaha. The funny things adrenaline brings forth in us. After a few hours I grew so overwhelmingly dizzy that I couldn't walk straight after each ride. I decided to take a break. For the first ride I sat with Gary & Derrall, watching the people pass by. Oh the amusement. There was purple checked pants man, recycling boy, and the "I can smoke here, right?" lady. Gary told her she couldn't because, well, he said so & she didn't take that very well. After the a couple of sat out rides, Derrall & I both sat down in the mulch & promptly fell asleep. I was out for about an hour amidst the blaring intercom, roaring coasters, & passersby. Just so you know, I am a notoriously light sleeper so this feat was of epic proportions. I was already utterly & blissfully exhausted.

Saturday was our day at the beach. I had forgotten how much I love the water. It's been over 3 years since I last went swimming. Why on earth I stayed away for so long is beyond my comprehension, but I made up for it this weekend. Water rides, the ocean, swimming pools, and hot tubs - after all that, I'm surprised my skin isn't still wrinkled and prune-like. No,no,no - it is more sensitive and lobster-like than anything else. Apparently the sun doesn't like me as much as I like it. On the beach we swam (some among dolphins), made sand castles, buried Derrall in the sand, played Frisbee (until the waves captured it), and generally burnt to a crisp. It was spectacular. That evening we had a barbecue & and the boys told ridiculously funny jokes while we relaxed in the hot tub. The hot tub, by the way was ridiculously hot & those in the water quite reminiscent of Bugs Bunny being cooked alive in a seething pot of carrots and potatoes. The braver of the group (myself included :) decided to cool off by jumping in the swimming pool which was deliciously refreshing.

Sunday we, of course, attended church at the local singles ward. I managed to stay awake for most of it. This was representative of the group as a whole. We were all pretty much beat by that point in time. Sunday afternoon we lounged on the beach again. We constructed an entire sandcastle city, complete with pyramids, hilltop houses, and (just what every city needs) a giant pit of doom. We watched as the tide slowly conquered even the strongest of our fortifications. I think I remember hearing something once about a foolish man building a house on the sand. I don't think it turned out too well for him either. That evening we played games until entirely too late & crashed for a few hours of dreamless sleep.

Monday, we had little choice but to return. Life must go on, you know. On the way out though, we stopped by the most wonderful place of all - the San Diego temple.

I can not with words describe the beauty, the peace, the lifting of burdens that the temple offers. After we had completed a session, I walked by myself around the temple grounds. The temple is right off of Interstate 5, and on the backside of the building is a lookout over this busy road. It is there I chose to sit, alone. I shed a few tears over the juxtaposition between Zion & Babylon. Only a fence separates the well-kept beauty of the house of the Lord & the world at large, hustling and bustling about in their useless pursuits. How is it possible that something can be so close and yet so far away? I'm not certain that I am capable of understanding it.

The long drive back was entirely too short. There is something about vacation and isolation from day to day life that magnifies and clarifies the purpose of it all. You realize in the most peculiar ways the exact composition of those whom you travel with. There is no hiding your true self after 5 days being constantly in the presence of another. There are parts of myself that I might have wished to hide for a bit longer but I suppose we are equally vulnerable & equally bonded by the ties of this trip. I wish it did not have to end, but now that it has I'm excited to see what we really learned from it & what has changed as a result of it. I know, at least in some small way, that things can never be as they were before California.

Just You Wait

2009-05-18T02:50:00.003-06:00

There's an unbounded freedom that controls my destiny. My life has always been exactly what I made it, but it is only now that I've allowed myself free reign to control it. I can be anything that I so desire, and the possibilities are endless.

Who shall I let in today? What shall I personify? A steady rock? A wilting flower? A breeze flowing carelessly through the trees? I cannot help but want to encompass them all, and I shall not allow myself to be defined by a single trait.

I have often wondered what would it be like if everyone's greatest flaws were as visible as mine. Pride worn like a badge on the sleeve. Jealousy engraved coyly above the eyelids. Greed like an unpleasant aroma, penetrating even the stuffiest nose. Ah, the beauty of discernment. Too bad the whole world has not been blessed with such a gift. Then again, if that were to be, I might have become bloated with vanity many days prior.

As it stands, I have recently become the trailblazer of my own future. Nothing, yet everything, stands in my way. Two paths tug gently on my arm, beckoning me thither & yon. I thought my path was set. I thought it unyielding and certain, but there is nothing certain about it. I could not have foreseen this. The future, is, after all, just that - untried, inexperienced, completely dependent, and changeable in every way.

There is an anxious tension within me, an unquenchable excitement for the unknown. Yesterday is no judge of what tomorrow will be, and I could not be happier.

A Flood

2009-05-10T23:05:00.004-06:00

Too many words. Not enough time to write them all.

Here's what's new in my life:

1. New Calling! Two new callings, in fact. I've been called as the Compassionate Service Leader & a co-chair of the Service committee in my ward. Somebody apparently has been reading my blog or is just very in tune with the Spirit because my callings were extended right after I wrote my last entry. Either way, I'm so stinkin' excited for both of them. Here is why...

"Service changes people. It refines, purifies, gives a finer perspective, and brings out the best in each one of us. It gets us looking outward instead of inward. It prompts us to consider others’ needs ahead of our own...We come to know people by serving them—their circumstances, their challenges, their hopes and aspirations...service channels our desires and energies into righteous activity. Every son and daughter of God is a storehouse—even a powerhouse—of desires and energies, which may be used for good or evil. This great potential needs to be harnessed to bring blessings to others...charitable service helps us do as the Savior did, for was not His whole ministry one of reaching out and helping, lifting and blessing, loving and caring?...As we immerse ourselves in the service of others, we find our spiritual selves and come unto Him." -Elder Derek A. Cuthbert

2. My Crusade: otherwise known as doing whatever it takes to get all of the explicit romance novels removed from the BYU Library. As the Library holds to the following policy ("[The BYU Library] reserves the right to exclude or limit the use of materials seen as distasteful or otherwise contrary to the norms and values of the university’s sponsor, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."), I feel it my duty to bring to the attention of the appropriate administrators the at least 20 sexually explicit novels that do not fit these standards, and have begun the massive undertaking of dissecting these novels for purpose of giving specific evidence of their inappropriateness. I have in the last week completed my assessment and filed re-evaluation forms for 4 novels. For each of these novels I have attached 3-5 pages of direct examples of explicit content. It is appalling. I get nauseated just thinking about how this filth does not represent the standards of BYU or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and its mere presence in our library suggests it does. I must, however, pause & say on behalf of the university & the administrators over this specific section of the library that I am certain that they could not have been aware of the degree of pornographic material in these novels as they do not read the genre themselves. I will say here & now though, that I do feel called to this work & I will stop at nothing (within legality) to have them removed from the library premises. Petitions, mass complaints, a visit to the library administrative staff or President Samuelson himself...whatever it takes, these materials will be removed one way or another. They are absolutely & inexcusably below par.

Rats, that's all I have time for tonight. I must get to bed now

....To be continued...

Homework

2009-04-26T22:13:00.002-06:00

This week came close to being the longest in the history of mankind. It's been almost a year since I haven't had the pressure of deadlines pulling at me. Whatever shall I do with my time in the coming days without the urgency of completion gnawing at my conscience? Well, I'm still working on the specifics of that one. The vagueness of service & learning is not substantial enough. What are the specific actions I need to take in order to pursue those goals? First of all, I'm going to have to throw myself out there. I would have to be delusional to think that opportunities or information are just going to throw themselves into my lap of their own accord. The commandment is, after all, "seek & ye shall find" not 'wait & it shall come.'

"Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in you mind; then you mist ask me if it be right..." -D&C 9:7-8

I have to do my homework & figure out the options - know them backwards & forwards - before I'll know exactly what to do. I have to know where the needs are if I'm to be of any help. I have to be able to discern which causes are most worth my effort because it would be all too easy to run myself into the ground trying to be everything for everyone. Therefore, in addition to my newly created monetary budget, I shall have to create my own personal time budget.

“Good, better, best. Never let it rest. 'Til your good is better and your better is best.”

It is my determination to not waste a moment.

A New Season Begins

2009-04-19T22:16:00.007-06:00

According to research, nearly 70% of all problems reported in relationships are 'perpetual problems' meaning they never get fully resolved. What do I take from this? Simply that, whatever you're struggling with now, will probably be what you struggle with for the rest of your life. Sure, the context will change - different people, different time, different place, different circumstances altogether save 1 - YOU. Though the Atonement is real, if we do not utilize it, it might as well not be. Though people can change, if we don't make active efforts to do so, we will not. It is too easy to stay the same. It is easier yet to continue on a downward slope.

I've been thinking alot lately about the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30). How many times in the past I have been the unprofitable servant, hiding my talent out of fear or greed or pride or flat out laziness, but now, how I long to be far from each one of those things.

"For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath."

"If a man have all knowledge, and does not use it for good, it will prove a curse instead of a blessing as it did to Lucifer, the Son of the Morning." (Jeffrey R. Holland, Who We Are And What God Expects Us To Do)

Therefore,

"Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith." (D&C 88:118)

I don't want to lose what I've gained over this last year in knowledge, in experience, in love of my fellow man. I am not the woman I was when I arrived here in Utah last April & I am glad of it because I know that I have sought to change in the right ways. I have worked hard, studied hard, paid close attention, & been overwhelmed with gratitude for the things that I have received. It is so real to me right now, but how easily it can pass from my grasp if I let it. As Poe said so eloquently,

"TAKE this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow —
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand —
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep — while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

No, Mr. Poe, it is not, but it is what we make of it. Even that which we have will be taken away from us if we do not use it properly or at all. With this in mind, I make a goal for myself for the coming summer. I completed the last of my finals yesterday & thus have ended my formal education until sometime in August. As a young girl I remember spending my summers reading book after book, watching television shows without number, and helping my mother clean our house. Some of these practices I have discarded for proper replacements, yet some of them are worth the effort of repeating & perfecting. This summer for me I hope shall be defined by 2 things - service & learning. My list of books to read grows ever longer & as of this moment consists of the following:

Discourses of Brigham Young
Lectures on Faith (Joseph Smith)
Standing For Something (Gordon B. Hinckley)
On Earth As It Is In Heaven (Jeffrey R. Holland)

The Believing Heart
The Broken Heart
The Beloved Heart
Covenant Hearts (Bruce C. Hafen)

The Lord of the Rings (J.R.R. Tolkien)
The Works of Anne Bradstreet
The Story of My Life (Helen Keller)

Spirits Rebellious
A Self Portrait
The Broken Wings (Kahlil Gibran)

The Screwtape Letter
Mere Christianity (C.S. Lewis)

& if time permits
Treasure Island (Robert Louis Stevenson)
Little Women - my favorite (Louisa May Alcott)

My list of service shall remain unstated, & many times unpremeditated, but with the help of the Lord, it too shall be ever increasing. I am excited to see what this summer yields. If the sunshine were all, I would count it as a blessing unmeasured, but I am certain the Lord has much more in store for me than that. Much, much more.

Quick synopis of my weekend

2009-04-12T22:41:00.009-06:00

I was eaten alive by a family of juniper bushes. The end.

Ok, so they really just nibbled at me a bit, but it was enough.
A rose bush also got my knee.

But hey, I also had amazing things happen.

1. I went to this!

2. EASTER SUNDAY!

3. I was reminded of this wonderful talk & principle...

"When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the first-fruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones.

I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world's history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the first-fruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come..."

-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Memory Lane

2009-04-12T16:44:00.003-06:00

Novemer 21, 1999 (my 15 year old self):

Preparation

Many the hours that we've spent,
Contemplating the answer
as to what's been meant

Searching for something
that seems rock steady,
Enclosing ourselves to get it all ready.

Ready for what?
Nothing it seems.
Preparation for something
that might be just dreams.

What is our purpose?
Why are we here?
Why the commotion?
What's there to fear?

How can you answer
such deep, troubling questions?
How can you be sure
with so many suggestions?

February 2002 (my 17 year old self):

"I know this entry will sound a bit odd, but sometimes...well, probably most of the time, if not all, I simply don't know what I'm living for. It's just that I don't see the purpose of anything I'm doing. What does the world gain from me being here? If only I knew my purpose or mankind's purpose for that matter, I'd feel like I was getting somewhere, but now, I just feel empty. Not that I don't enjoy my life, most of it I do. It's just solitary moments like these that I look back on what I've done & realize I've really and truly done nothing at all. I just mean to wonder, is everyone else deluded in being content with not knowing why we are here, or am I just crazy for wondering about this at all? If there is a God, why hasn't he told us why we are here in the first place? He has said our goal is heaven, but how could a human spirit, so flawed in life, find perfection & maintain it forever? How could it then be the same spirit? And if, in fact, that spirit is changed, then what was the purpose of having a less perfect one in the first place? According to the supposed teachings of God, I am to be punished eternally for being what I am - a skeptic - but why should I be as harshly punished as one who is adulterous or a murderer? I don't understand it. I have only questioned the unclear. I do know that I need a goal to work towards, otherwise, I'll be forced to continue on aimlessly. I really don't know how long that will hold up. I'm just begging for an answer, one that is unmistakable as the true & undeniable answer."

June 21, 2003 (my 18 year old self):

Could you show me the way?
Could you shift this endless search
into the journey of a lifetime?
A purpose. That's what I need.
I'm searching & searching & still not finding.
I have to find it though.
Without a purpose, there is no point.
Without a point, there is no life.
I'm sick of these spineless amoebas,
morphing with the rising & falling trends
of supposed belonging.
I do not know who I am,
but I surely know what I am not.
A change that makes things worse,
is not worth making.
I guess that's why I'm stuck here, unmoving.
I think I need more options.
These ones aren't worth considering.

November 1, 2003 (my 19 year old self):

Too warm within, too cold without.
When shall I escape this mildly tepid existence?

January 4, 2004 (the transition):

Last Sunday I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Today I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands. I have to say that this has been the most fantastic month of my life. My decision to join the Church was undeniable and unchangeable for I have tasted truth. God is here in my heart & I could not quiet Him if I wanted to. Things are now as they always should have been.

Thursday August 4, 2005 (my 20 year old self):

Last night I had my first meeting with our new bishop. He said something to me that I just can't quit playing through my mind. He said, "I feel the need to tell you that Heavenly Father loves you, but more than that, He trusts you. He loves all of His children, but you He trusts." I am beginning to realize just how much I have been trusted with. It is so frightening to consider the widening expanse before me, but it is also the most wonderful & rewarding feeling that I have ever had. I wish I could explain the sense of anticipation within me, but I can only think to say that It is like my eyes have been opened anew and all I can see before me is a glorious battle in which my side (the side that does not belong to me at all, but I to it) is victorious, and there is a great light that overcomes the shadow. I feel like I have passed the test, whatever it may be.

Saturday December 17, 2005 (my 21 year old self):

I received my mission call today. I opened the mailbox, stared slack-jawed at it for at least thirty seconds then grabbed it and sprinted into the house. "It's here!!" I yelled, "It's finally here!" Amy & Asher scrambled wildly for about 2 minutes looking for a camera & a letter opener, as I stood still, grasping my letter. My mind, however, was racing a thousand directions at once. "Where am I to go? What changes will this bring? How can one person contain such joy?" Finally Amy found batteries for the camera & Asher grabbed his key to use as a letter opener. I opened it slowly, hands shaking. "You are hereby called to serve...in the California San Bernardino Mission...You should report to the Missionary Training Center at Provo, Utah Wednesday 1 February 2006."

Wednesday February 1, 2006 (my missionary self):

As we flew into the Salt Lake airport, I saw naught but white, almost too pure to be real. This is the farthest I've ever been away from home & yet, the closest I've been to it since I can remember.

Tuesday August 28, 2006 (the hardest decision):

Last week I got a call from my my MTC companion. She called to tell me she's going home at the end of the transfer. It was very hard to hear that because in the back of my mind I knew that I was going with her. I've been fighting it since I injured my ankle. The second I began to fall, I knew that going home would be the result of my injury - hence the initial cry of "I don't want to go home!" But circumstances have begun to multiply and a decision has become a necessity. I feel needed elsewhere, but I don't want to be needed elsewhere. I know my answer. I've known it all along. There are at least 9 people in Louisiana right now who need me. It's just a re-assignment, I told my companion. It's just a re-assignment.

Wednesday February 13, 2008 (changes, changes, changes):

So here's the big news: I'm going to BYU!!!!!!!

Sunday April 12, 2009 (the here & now):

Honestly, I don't know where the time went. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was that 15 year old so full questions, and yet life has changed so much. My questions have all been answered, my purpose is clear. I'm not certain why I am sharing all of these most precious moments in my life, but here I am, spilling my soul before the world & hoping that my words will speak to someone & let them know that there is hope. Heavenly Father does answer our prayers & He loves us - each & every one of us because we are His children.

"And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:17-18)

Rain. Rain.

2009-04-09T00:58:00.006-06:00

Earlier this week I found myself wondering, 'What did I do to be so richly blessed?' The answer came to me fast enough. Honestly, my efforts are feeble & absolutely insufficient for the blessings I receive, but I am trying & for that the windows of heaven are open. The prophecy is true. I have not room enough to receive it.

Today, I was in charge of reading a book to the children at the preschool & organizing an activity to go with it. I have been working on this assignment since I began my practicum at the end of February (oh wow, has is really been that long...where did the time go??). I knew the second I found out about the assignment what book I was going to read, my favorite since I was the age of the children that I am teaching - The Legend of the Bluebonnet. It is the tale of a young Comanche girl who has lost her whole family to famine. All she has left of them is a little warrior doll that they made for her. The shaman of the tribe speaks to the great spirits & they tell him that the people are too selfish. In order for the drought to end, they must sacrifice their most valued possession. Everyone denies that it is their possession that is wanted. Everyone except this young girl. So, she burns her doll, and scatters the ashes to the wind. The next day she wakes up and the ground is covered in beautiful blue flowers that are the same color as the feathers in her dolls hair. That day the rains come.

Since I was old enough to recognize how precious this selfless gift was, I have only made it through reading it 3 times without crying. Today marked one of those exceptions. That in itself was a miracle, but it gets better. For the activity, I decided to do a rain dance with the children. I spent hours & hours, days & days researching Comanche beliefs & practices, watching videos of rain dances on youtube & contemplating & planning how to make the activity developmentally appropriate for 4 & 5 year-olds. It was a daunting task. The story had a few complicated elements, quite a few terms that the children were unfamiliar with, a culture and religion that they've had little(if any) exposure to, and I also felt the need to keep the activity reverent as a rain dance is basically a form of prayer.

So many things could have gone wrong. I considered them all over the last month and a week. I put in so much effort to prevent error because this story & activity really did mean just that much to me. I want everyone to be able to see the beauty of the Legend as I do. I printed off visuals. I practiced in front of my mirror both giving the presentation, reading the story, & doing the dance itself. Still, one misstep & I could have lost the children's attention.

To top it all off, weather forecast for today: snow/rain/lots of precipitation. So many times today I stopped and said a silent prayer that it would hold off until after we did our dance. I wanted the children to have that witness that their dance really did work. Even if they could not quite grasp it, we as teachers would know, & receive a beautiful witness that prayers are answered.

Here is what did happen:

As I walked up the stairs, saying my silent prayer all the way & glancing hesitantly up at the overcast sky, I spotted my dear friend coming down the stairs towards me. She gave me the added courage I needed to know that everything was going to be just fine. That was miracle #1.

Miracle #2: My co-teachers=amazing. That's all I need to say about that.

Miracle #3: As I began to read the book, the children were riveted. They asked meaningful questions. They really got into it. "Did she ever get her doll back?" asked one absolutely adorable little girl with concern. 'No,' I said in response, 'but she had the beautiful flowers that were the same color as the feathers in the doll's hair, and they reminded her of everything she had lost.'

Miracle #4: The dance went splendidly. I heard children randomly chanting, "We need the rain. Please bring the rain. Rain. Rain" throughout the remainder of the afternoon. One child was so fascinated with it, she kept asking questions, and talking with everyone she saw about how she remembered to do the rain motions when she danced.

Miracle #5: Right as the children left our activity to go to their outside time, it began to rain. It lasted only a short minute. I wasn't even outside yet. I didn't see the rain myself, but I knew my prayers had been answered - every single one of them.

Trust me when I say this is only the beginning of the miracles that I've seen this week. I cannot tell you how much my heart swells with gratitude acknowledging the source of all this goodness. In marriage prep last week we were discussing the "world village." If the world was reduced to a hundred people who were statistically representative of the whole of population, only 1 person in the village would have a college education. Why am I being so richly blessed? Only 7 would have more than 2 pairs of shoes. Why am I being so richly blessed? Only 5-6 would have money in their bank account. Why am I being so richly blessed? Only 54 would have clean drinking water. WHY AM I BEING SO RICHLY BLESSED? I cannot answer that question except to leave you with this quote as a partial answer,

"There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated — And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated." D&C 130:20-21

I guess that means that I must be doing something right. I'll have to make sure to keep doing it, and remember each moment how easily all of it can be taken away. We are given blessings so that we might bless others & if I am not doing that, then I don't deserve them anyway.

Funny How Things Happen

2009-04-05T22:21:00.005-06:00

This weekend was General Conference, a biannual meeting of all the Latter-day Saints worldwide to hear the prophet and apostles of Jesus Christ share the word of the Lord for this particular time in the history of the world. How thrilled I have been anticipating this meeting.

At the beginning of this semester, my roommates & I decided to attend the temple at least once a week. It is after all, as I stated in my last entry, only 5 minutes away, & the blessings are immense. It has truly become my refuge from the troubles of the world. No matter what is going on in my life, I know that I can always go to the temple and partake of the peace that resides in the house of the Lord. There is no replacement for such a blessing. It is immeasurable and absolutely fulfilling. It is the reason that I actually did feel prepared to not just hear, but to receive whatever inspiration was articulated on this glorious weekend which was not without its struggles.

On Saturday, the video feed kept stalling & my roommate & I spent a total of about 6 hours trying to watch the sessions. On Sunday morning, the feed stalled even more so we tuned in on a clock radio. On Sunday afternoon, we decided to take up our other roommate's offer and use her extra tickets to attend the last session in person. We booked it on the interstate, but arrived about 10 minutes too late to be seated on time. Miraculously, we found a parking place directly up the hill from the Salt Lake temple. We parked facing the splendor of the house of the Lord, rolled down the windows because it was a beautiful sunny day, and tuned in the radio to hear the servants of God. After the first hour, we walked to Temple Square & watched the rest of the session in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. Yes, indeed, we were not without our struggles, but because of our struggles, we listened all the more attentively. Because of our struggles, we were staring directly at the temple for 2 beautiful talks about the blessings contained within them & because of our struggles, we learned a vital lesson about the importance of preparation. It was perfectly suited to our needs. It was perfectly inspired.

So, what did the prophet & apostles say that made everything so worth it? Well, I can't quote everything directly or perfectly. My notes are lengthy & attuned specifically to my needs, but I can tell you what I heard on a general basis & it should come as no surprise...

The world is wicked. It increases day by day, but so too should our faith. The divide between the standards of the church & the ways of the world grows wider & wider, but the change is only occurring on 1 side. The ways of the Lord are eternal & unchanging.

If we are to survive the torrent of opposition that will come our way, that is coming our way, we will need to be obedient - with exactness. We will need to take refuge in the temple. We will need to strengthen ourselves, strengthen our families, and be an example in righteousness all the days and hours and minutes of our lives. The adversary will not give up in his attempt to bring us down to be miserable like unto him, but neither will the Lord give up in his attempt to see that we are happy.

Beware of materialism, of debt, of pride, distraction, & doubt. Beware of selfishness, greed, and laziness. Beware of ingratitude, discouragement, & fear. Be strong & clean & avoid all types of evil, especially pornography. It will destroy you.

Remember that though the rain beats upon us, the Lord still pours out blessing without measure. Remember that if we are obedient, nothing can defeat us. Remember that our future is as bright as our faith. Therefore, take care & see that your faith is strong & founded upon the Rock of our Salvation, even Jesus Christ.

I KNOW these things are true. I know that the trials which beset us are nothing more than what the Savior has already overcome.

"In the world ye shall have tribulation," said the Savior, "but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

There is no way to escape the world. Just outside of Temple Square today were the ever-present protesters. I'm not sure what they thought to accomplish, but this I do know, conversion never happens through angry words and accusations. God does not abide in contention. Two steps into the street and I heard cursing, saw immodest dress, and smelled the acrid scent of a burning cigarette. It is here, even among us (each one of us, in fact, in our individual vices). The words of the servants of the Lord were not all honey & blossoms. We would not have to be constantly warned & reminded if the flaws discussed in conference were not our own. We are flawed. I am flawed (terribly so), but I know that I am on the right road. I know that I can overcome ALL through the Atonement, else the sacrifices of Jesus Christ were utterly wasteful & imperfect. Good luck proving that one, because it simply is not true.

Reality Check, AGAIN!

2009-04-02T19:58:00.008-06:00

"There are only 2 ways to deal with sin: Repentance or Self-justification...If at any time you find yourself saying, 'it's not that bad,' you're probably denying a prompting from the Holy Ghost that is telling you that, in fact, it is just that bad."
-Dr. Harper (my Doctrine & Covenants professor)

Wham! Lightning bolt to the heart. I am Steve Irwin & that was my death sentence, or in other words, I've undoubtedly been pulling a William McLellin & making excuses for my inadequate choices. We are all guilty of it to some extent, I suppose, but that doesn't excuse a one of us. None of us are the exception to the rule, because there are no exceptions where covenants & commandments are concerned.

I feel very unsettled. It's like the feeling I get when I'm in the testing center for more than 30 minutes, a feeling of 'this is the last place in the world that I want to be right now, but I have no choice but to endure for another hour or 2 or 3 depending on the test.' I know it'll be good for me in the end & my grade will be better the more intensely I focus on the task at hand instead of thinking of the lovely things that are outside of my immediate sphere. Oh my, that's it! I'm in the refiners fire. It burns & stings & I just want it to stop, but I know the sacrifice is worth the outcome. OK, buck up, Jenny. You're growing & it's great! Now seems like one of those perfect times to stop & list my blessings.

1. I am at Brigham Young University for crying out loud! Need I say more?
2. I have an amazingly wonderful & supportive family.
3. I went to the temple today & it's only 5 minutes from my house!
4. General Conference is this weekend! I get to hear from a prophet of God!
5. As I am making this list I have had pop into my mind about 3,000 random, small, but completely legitimate blessings that are a major contribution to why my life is SPECTACULAR.

I think a bit of sleep will make this list seem even more legitimate. Let's try it out, shall we?

"Know This, That Every Soul Is Free"

2009-03-26T23:27:00.003-06:00

"Know this, that ev'ry soul is free
To choose his life and what he'll be;
For this eternal truth is giv'n:
That God will force no man to heav'n.
He'll call, persuade, direct aright,
And bless with wisdom, love, and light,
In nameless ways be good and kind,
But never force the human mind.
Freedom and reason make us men;
Take these away, what are we then?
Mere animals, and just as well
The beasts may think of heav'n or hell.
May we no more our pow'rs abuse,
But ways of truth and goodness choose;
Our God is pleased when we improve
His grace and seek his perfect love."

-Know This, That Every Soul Is Free

I heard this hymn for the first time 3 weeks ago at a BYU devotional & I can't get it out of my head. Over & over & over it plays. It is my consolation. It is my inspiration. Through it I understand more fully my responsibility. Through it I understand more fully the actions of those around me. What a privilege God has given us in allowing opposition! What a privilege it is to choose the right course! What a marvelous thing it is that though everything is a gift from God, the gift of agency is the best of all. It is only because of it that we have a gift to return to our precious Father. OUR WILL.

This semester has been anything but uneventful. It has been absolutely eye-opening, & there's not an experience that I would exchange for an easier trial. I have had neither the chance nor the desire to sit back & say, "when did things get so tough?" I don't really care when they did or how they did or why they did, I only know that I've made it through thus far & I'm not completely worn out yet. I have stretched till my spiritual muscles have become taut, but I am still pushing forward. That has to count for something.

I never thought I would be strong enough to keep smiling in the midst of turmoil, but here I am beaming like an idiot as the world sways around me. I don't know what lies ahead for me in the near future, but there is something, maybe a great many somethings that I am being prepared for. This semester has been my cram session & I though I am still in the midst of the test, I don't doubt I will get a passing grade & be thoroughly prepped for whatever the Lord has in store for me.

Stalkers & Idol Worship

2009-03-19T00:43:00.011-06:00

I walked into Walmart this evening only to behold a shrine to Twilight- books & posters, & clothing & accessories, advance order movie slips & school supplies in abundance. There was a girl looking at a movie poster caressing the face of Edward.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO FINDS ALL OF THIS HIGHLY DISTURBING?

Am I the only person in the world who read the Twilight series & recognized it for what it is - a barely contained romance novel?

Vampires, shmampires.
Twilight is about sexual tension & raging hormones.

I honestly feel sorry for all of the impressionable adolescents who have become hooked on the rush that inevitably comes from feeding such baser chemical reactions, but it cannot be denied that Edward is nothing but the product of a dopamine induced euphoria. He is not real. He never will be. Wake up & see what the world really has to offer.

If what you want truly is a guy who breaks into your house in the middle of the night & watches you sleep, become pen pals with a convict. I'm sure you'll find any number of creepers that will fit the bill. If you truly want a relationship based purely on physicality & lust for "blood," I'm sure you'll find that too, but seriously, who are we fooling here? That is not what we truly want & obsessing over a fantasy is clearly not how we get it.

Oh WOW, I think I just heard a few bubbles burst.

Oh glorious AGENCY!

2009-03-15T19:30:00.008-06:00

“I have always thought that all men should be free; but if any should be slaves, it should be first those who desire it for themselves, and secondly those who desire it for others. Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.” -Abraham Lincoln

This has to be one of my absolute favorite quotes from Abraham Lincoln. As such, I’ve read it time & time again, but last night, as I recalled it to a friend, the words within took on new meaning.

“…but if any should be slaves, it should be first those who desire it for themselves…”

I don’t know why I didn’t catch it before. Nobody desires the bonds of shackles and forced servitude. Nobody, no matter how depraved. To what then is Mr. Lincoln referring? Most assuredly to the chains born by Old Marley in Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol.

"You are fettered," said Scrooge, trembling. "Tell me why?"

"I wear the chain I forged in life," replied the Ghost. "I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?"

Scrooge trembled more and more.

"Or would you know," pursued the Ghost, "the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself?…

Oh! captive, bound, and double-ironed," cried the phantom, "not to know, that ages of incessant labour, by immortal creatures, for this earth must pass into eternity before the good of which it is susceptible is all developed. Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness. Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunity misused! Yet such was I! Oh! such was I!"

It’s tragic, as Dickens so eloquently expresses, that though the world is filled to overflowing with worthy causes, we more often than not inhibit ourselves from helping the cause roll forward. We choose instead to be indebted to the things of the world. Money or recreation become our focus & service falls second to our own selfish desires. Not one of us is excluded from this categorical “we”.

“For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God,”
(Romans 3:23)

YET

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?…Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.”
(Romans 8: 35, 37)

YES, more than conquerors, for

“The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”
(Romans 8:16-18)

We come short of the glory, yet it shall be revealed in us? Ah yes, the assurance remains that

“It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”
(2 Nephi 25:23)

The Atonement is, in the end (& each moment in between) our only hope, but that does not excuse us from not trying our best. That does not excuse us in the formation of these extraneous chains. Of this I am sure & on this point, I will not yield.

“Think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Words Only Scratch the Surface

2009-03-09T23:14:00.008-06:00

Ok, so I'll admit it. I have an extraordinarily overly active imagination. I dream things out of nothing & I dramatize the ordinary to give it a bit of flair. It's not intentional. It's not premeditated. It just comes out of my mouth & there it is, more shocking than before. It does not apply to all aspects of life. My writing, for example, tends to get to the core of me, but on a day to day basis, you never know what's going to come out of my mouth. I blame it on my lack of a "nothing box." My mind constantly connects the dots & loops everything together into a big mass of interconnected knowledge. Press the trigger (or find one "cup hook" as my developmentally appropriate practices teacher would say), and all the gumballs fall out of the candy machine, or in other words - I'm losing my marbles. Haha, just kidding. I just mean to say that if, for example, you say the word "monkey" I instantly relate it to 20 different things that to anyone else are seemingly unrelated. Apparently there's this feature in the brain called the corpus callosum which is, essentially, the thing that connects the left & right brain. This connector is apparently larger in women than men, larger in musicians than non-musicians, and larger in left-handed people than right-handed people. Seeing as how I am female, a musician, and left-handed, I pretty much must have the largest corpus callosum imaginable, which would account for alot. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my brain off & vegetate for a while like the rest of humankind seems fully equipped to do, but I could stare at a wall & turn it into an interesting conversation within my head (or, ya know, out loud because I never quite mastered private speech). Even in sleep, my dreams are filled with the vivid manifestations of my ridiculously intricate thought patterns. Notice I said intricate, not necessarily intelligent. I have a feeling that if anyone were able to probe my psyche & dissect the theories which fill it to capacity, they would come out very dizzy, if at all. They might, in fact, get stuck wading through a neck deep concoction of imagined mush & drown in the weight of motion like Atreyu's horse, Artax. But, what indeed was my point with all of this? Well, I'm not quite sure I remember anymore.

Consolation

2009-03-07T11:09:00.007-07:00

I have had some real challenges come my way of late. Financial struggles, illness, relationship issues, etc. The list could continue, but these are the things that weigh on my mind. I don't know why these particular struggles seem to be the reoccurring theme of my life, but when something hits, it's usually one of these three things. I suppose it could simply mean that I'm not so very different from every other person in the world, but deep down within me I know part of the reason is that I haven't yet learned to adequately handle these struggles. I'm trying. I trying my hardest & this time around, I actually remembered to rely on the Lord to see me through. Some days that is all that keeps me going & I figure that's the way it's supposed to be in all trials that count for anything.

In the title of my last entry I directly referenced a quote from Thomas Paine. It's familiar, I'm sure. I had to memorize it while I was in high school & earlier in the week I found it echoing through my being.

"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value."

I can't help but notice how adequately this applies to the trials of life. One could easily replace the word "country" with God & "Tyranny" with trials - or actually, tyranny seems quite fitting right where it is - & it becomes exactly what I need to remember at this time in my life & throughout the remainder of it. It is, at least, what has kept me going through this difficult week.

"Sunshine Patriot?" I think not.

2009-03-04T16:43:00.003-07:00

A lot of thoughts have been rolling through my brain these last few days. I've tried several times to record them all, but nothing seems to fit what I'm feeling. It's a feeling of "Oh yeah, this is what life's all about" that I'm receiving witness of in everything that I do.

These last few days I've felt a great hunger to learn. It's always there within me to some degree, but lately, I can't soak it up fast enough. I love it when I hit times like these in my life when every concept is seen in a new light & everything is fresh again.

On Sunday, I met an apostle for the first time in my life. I almost missed it. I was studying so hard for my Doctrine & Covenants midterm that I thought I didn't have the time to go in person to the CES Fireside, but my roommate coaxed me enough that I succumbed. I made it onto international television too as I was sitting in the 3rd row. Just before the camera panned the back of my head, Elder Hales said

"If we have the Spirt to be with us, we have light & Satan, who is the prince of darkness cannot stand light. Therefore, with that light, if we tell him to depart, he must depart."

That, I know, was said at least in part for me. That's what's filled me of late that has given me such a desire to soak up the entirety of the world of knowledge: the Spirit of the Lord & an outright refusal to fall prey to the trappings of the adversary. That's why everything feels new but comfortable. It's because it's the truth & I'm trusting enough to receive it.

President Hinckley said at the conclusion of my favorite talk,

"I carry with me a statement that I took from an article published some years ago on Commander William Robert Anderson, the man who took the submarine Nautilus under the North Pole from the waters of the Pacific to the waters of the Atlantic. In his wallet he carried a tattered card with these words: 'I believe I am always divinely guided. I believe I will always take the right road. I believe God will always make a way where there is no way' (quoted in Look, 20 April 1971, p. 48).

Said the Lord in a dark and troubled hour to those he loved, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). May the Lord bless you, each of you, with faith, with affection, with hope, with charity, I ask humbly in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."

This is what I feel right now. I know that I am divinely guided, & I am indeed unafraid. I am filled with a gratitude that enlarges each passing moment, & my greatest wish is that all could feel what I feel right now.

Next, you'll tell me that your name is secretly "Julio"

2009-02-27T14:14:00.007-07:00

My life really has become a 3-ring circus.

Firstly, I had a week long stomach bug, was well for 2 days, then came down with the flu. I started to recover from the flu & came down with a sinus infection from which I am still recovering. I attempted to return to school yesterday despite the fact that I am still ill. I slept through almost the entirety of my Book of Mormon class (which I love) despite my efforts to remain attentive. I was reawakened by the dismissal of our class, meandered out into the hall, laid down against the wall & promptly fell back asleep to the backdrop of plodding feet, interspersed bells, and a kind oriental boy politely whispering in a foreign tongue on his Bluetooth beside me.

Secondly, I dropped my cell phone in the washing machine & it has unquestionably come down with schizophrenia.

Thirdly, the power cord on my laptop went kaput minutes after I nearly drowned my cell phone & I won't even begin to describe the nightmare it was to find another one.

Fourthly, I made a seemingly simple appointment for today to get my windshield replaced which turned out being anything but simple.

9:00 I show up for my appointment. They begin work on my car.

9:25 The owner of the shop comes out & informs me that they have removed my windshield, but that the glass supply shop in Salt Lake City forgot to put my glass on the truck

9:35 I am told that the truck is leaving from SLC at 10 and everything will be completed within an hour to an hour & ½.

11:55 The glass truck still has not arrived & I am on the verge of being late for the 1st day of my block class.

12:00 I am informed that the driver didn’t leave SLC until 10:30 & he is 15 minutes away, the exact time that my class begins.

12: 25 The glass arrives.

12:55 My car is finally completed. I am given many apologies, a certificate for a free inspection, & a $5 coupon for a local Italian restaurant. In the meantime, I have organized all the magazines in the lobby by title, date, & genre & filled out the entire address book in my planner just in case my schizophrenic phone decides to bite the dust entirely.

1:15 The School of Family Life calls me. “Where were you today? Do you want us to give your spot to someone else?” “NOOO!!” I insisted. “It’s a long story, but basically, I hit crisis mode today & I’ve been stranded at my auto glass replacement center for the last 4 hours.”

& that is the honest truth.

Life in the Fast Lane

2009-02-23T18:55:00.005-07:00

Today I had scripture study, read 50 pages of a homework assignment, took a few online quizzes (on my roommate's computer, no less because my power cord died yesterday), & my body feels like I ran a marathon. Flu really has a way of draining you of all energy. For days I've laid in bed without energy enough to even open my eyes for more than 30 minutes at a time. In the earliest stages of the illness, the thought came to by mind, "WHY FLU? WHY NOW?" As the days have passed, quickly fading into the next (seriously, I don't remember hardly any of last week), my answer has come sure & steady.

It's a pride thing.

It's the next step in my learning process to faith.

I hate asking people for help.
I hate being a burden on others.
I hate admitting that I'm not strong enough on my own.

This week I had no choice. I had a high fever for 4, almost 5, days straight. I had no energy. I had no appetite & no incentive to keep myself going. For the first 2 days, I laid in bed hoping that rest would cure it. Finally, after over 24 hours of a high fever & no Tylenol to take, I sucked it up, called my home teacher & asked a friend for a ride to the doctor.

If this week has taught me anything, it's that I am loved immensely & that there are many willing to rush to my side & give of themselves. I could not see any of that before because I was blinded by stubbornness & self-doubt & so, though it might sound a little crazy, I think contracting the flu virus has been one of the the biggest blessings I could have ever wished to receive. Now, with a fridge full of homemade soup, a hand full of get well notes, and a heart so ready to give back at least a small amount of the love that's been shown me in the last 7 days, I will rest assured that my recovery will include so much more than physical healing.

"The Lord wants us to know, if we have ears to hear, that we are finally and ultimately dependent upon him...In the wilderness of our own experience, when ever that may be for each of us, we will at some time and in some way confront that total dependence."

"We need to think of miracles not as all the phenomena we can't understand, but simply as the influence of divine forces. In a broad sense, divine forces are involved in all nature and technology. But if the Lord is directly involved in our personal affairs, that is a special miracle, however quiet, however common it may be."

- Bruce C. Hafen, The Believing Heart

Flu & the Borneo Monster

2009-02-19T17:23:00.007-07:00

For 10 years I've faithfully gotten a flu shot at the insistence of my devoted mother, & for 10 years, I've been flu-free. This year I failed miserably. Apparently,

1. Carelessness is not a virtue
&
2. Jenny - flu shot = flu.

I will, therefore be confined to my room for an extended period of time & bound to the cough-suppressing narcotics which I am forced to consume.

OK. OKAY! Lesson learned! Next year I'm getting my flu shot & thanking my Mama for it every step of the way.

To add further to my already thrilling week, in the process of logging into my e-mail account today, I was informed via the Internet news that there have been 2 documented sightings of the alleged "Borneo monster," a freakin' 100+ foot long snake found in (you guessed it) Borneo. Well, that settles it, not only am I never going to Borneo, I know exactly what terrifying visions will occupy my medicinally induced dreams tonight & tomorrow & in the days that follow. Thank you members of the press at large for enhancing my already overly vivid imagination.

Food for thought....ok, maybe just the thought

2009-02-10T21:45:00.005-07:00

Today I have the stomach virus of death. Food is not my friend right now. Ugh.

On a more positive note: I learned some very insightful pieces of information this beautiful snow-laden day.

In marriage prep (yes, in fact, I am taking a marriage preparation class & I love it!), we were discussing the importance of personal security as a factor in marriage readiness. My teacher discussed the concept of “Amae,” which is the innate need & desire within each of us to depend on & feel connected to other people. Our true nature, said Dr. Carroll, is as a relational being! Why did I not put 2 & 2 together before? We cannot completely define ourselves outside of our relationships because we ARE NOT complete outside of our relationships. Therefore, if we want to develop ourselves, we must develop meaningful & lasting relationships. In fact, as Dr. Carroll stated, a mark of a maturity is in allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to admit your desire for companionship. When he said this it made me think back on all the times that people have asked me, “Are you dating anyone right now?” “No,” I would say, “but, I’ve got so much going on right now that I wouldn’t have time for a relationship anyway,” or “No, but I’m fed up with men right now so it doesn’t matter.” But it does matter. It has always mattered. It will always matter. I, just like every other human being, hate being alone. It is difficult to see all of my friends marrying off & having children, but on the same token, I know that my time is coming (one of these days), so I don’t worry too much about it more than to think that if ___________ is what I need in a relationship, then I had better be becoming ___________ myself & looking for it in other people.

On the topic of recognizing our own worth, Dr. Carroll gave us the example of Antiques Roadshow. I used to love watching that show with my parents. It astounded me every time how much some people were willing to pay for what looked to me to be a worthless piece of junk, but that was precisely the point he wished to bring out. “Regardless of the condition of the item,” he said, “the value, when all is said & done, is solely determined by the price someone would pay for it.” Now think about how much someone was willing to pay for you? Tattered & torn & broken, every single one of us & yet the Savior was willing & did pay an infinite amount to purchase our freedom from sin & the sting of death. “Why would he do that,” one might ask? Because our worth is infinite. Dr. Carroll explained that so many people confuse worth with worthiness. Worthiness in our mortal state is variable, but worth is unchangeable. No matter what happens to me or I let happen to me in this life, I am still a daughter of God. I still have endless potential. No one can take that away from me. No one.

“But why would you do this for me?” - Because I love you.

“But it doesn’t seem fair.” - That’s right. It’s not fair at all - it’s merciful. It is, after all, a gift

“But how can I possibly deserve such a gift?” - Don’t be silly. You can’t. You don’t. This gift is offered because I love you & want to help you.

“But how can I repay you?” - There you go again. Don’t you get it? You can’t repay me, not you or all the billions like you. Gifts of this magnitude can never be repaid. For what I’ve done out of love for you, you can only love me back, and seek to become what I am - a giver of good gifts.
- Stephen E. Robinson, Believing Christ

Intentionality

2009-02-06T23:59:00.005-07:00

Phew! What a week! I seriously do feel like I've been careening up & down the hills & twists & curves of a psychotically demented roller coaster of torture. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Things haven't been all that bad & truthfully, the roller coaster exists only within the confines of my own psyche. For a moment though, I lost sight of my goals, my identity as a beloved daughter of God, & I succumbed to the temptation of despair, but thankfully that moment came to pass as all of such a nature do. It, however, would not have been of such short duration if not for the inspired influence of a few unnamed troopers who bolstered me up until I could regrasp the iron rod. If I didn't know it before, I surely recognize now that we all have the opportunity to be angels in the lives of those around us & although I know I cannot repay the debt (because as we all know, there are no debts between friends), I do wish to express my gratitude by being to someone else what so many have been to me.

To my single goal for the year (of having more faith), I now wish to add a companion - a helpmeet, so to speak. Faith meet Intentionality (& vice-versa, of course).

Apparently, I'm ridiculously forgetful - shocking, I know. Therefore, with much pondering & prayer & making of mistakes, I've decided that the only way that I'm going to attain more faith is to intentionally seek to do so. By this I do not mean to imply that I haven't been trying this last month & 1/2, but that my methods have proven to be flawed. I still constantly revert back to trying to do everything on my own, which always inevitably yields worry or failure or dispair & sometimes all 3. I now realize that this is going to have to be not only a change in lifestyle, but also a change in the pattern of my very thoughts.

"Men imagine that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot; it rapidly crystallizes into habit, and habit solidifies into circumstance,"

said the wise James Allen, & I know he speaks the truth. When I start to overreact or lose hope, it must become my natural reaction to say, "This is because I'm not having enough faith." I need to pray or read my scriptures or go to the Temple & sometimes all 3 until I have enough faith to align myself with the will of the Father.

In order to enact such a change, I have determined to do these things:

1. I have filled my beautiful living space with visual reminders to keep the faith, quotes & questions to help me remember. They are stratigically placed to call me to repentance in moments of weakness...

"Have I done any good in the world today?"

"Did you think to pray?"

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" -D&C 6:36

"Work will work when wishy-washy wishing won't!"

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again & expecting different results" -Albert Einstein

"God has created your spirits with wings to fly in the spacious firmament of Love & Freedom. How pitiful to lop off your wings with your own hands and suffer your spirit to crawl like vermin upon the earth.” -Kahlil Gibran

&

2. I ask a favor of all who read this. Please help me out. When you see worry or distress in my countanence or in my writing, remind me that Heavenly Father has it all under control. When you see that I have lost hope, remind me of who I am. When you see that I am trying to bare my burden alone, remind me that there is One who waits to lift it from me. I, in turn, will attempt to do the same for you.

Trooper #1 (as mentioned above) shared with me a quote this week that filled my heart with hope. It said,

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe" (Jeffrey R. Holland).

There is a part of me that has not believed. That is why Elder Holland's words struck so deeply, but I want to believe. I want to believe more than anything else in the world. I know that belief - true faith - is the key to all doors & I'm tired of being locked out by my own stubbornness & pride.

Universal Receiver

2009-02-04T13:21:00.010-07:00

The Red Cross says I'm a universal receiver. I can take any blood any time, anywhere.

According to good ole' Wikipedia "there is a popular belief in Japan that a person's ABO blood type...is predictive of their personality, temperament, and compatibility with others." Those with blood such as mine are said to be cool, controlled, & rational, but also critical & indecisive.

I suppose this analysis fits with the selfish nature of my blood, but what of it seeping into my personality, temperament & interpersonal compatibility? No,no,no. I reject that as a notion.

I am anything but cool & collected & as for being universally receptive - Psh! That's all I have to say. It took me 24 years just to learn to receive (& by receive I mean believe) a compliment.

"Jenny, you look beautiful today!" - Yeah sure. Whatever.

Sometimes I'm still not sure that I do. Sometimes I think, I'm probably one of the least receptive people in the world. In fact, I usually can't enjoy receiving anything because I think I don't deserve it. Why would anyone do anything that nice for me?

"Because they love you, Jenny." - Yeah sure. Whatever.

This is the extent of faith I exhibit in those I love. Even I realize it's utterly ridiculous. Even I realize it's all within me.

But how to recognize what's right in front of my eyes (red light/green light when I'm color blind), I obviously still haven't learned that yet.

I catch glimpses at it, moments of splendor when I see the world with open eyes, but then it's gone & I'm me again, just as I've ever been.

I'm not very good at this line upon line thing. In my eyes it's all or nothing, perfect or fallen & I constantly fall short of the mark. No part of me ever really expects to make the mark, but still I try & fall, proving myself right each time.

Me, me, me, me, me. Alone, ALone, ALOne, ALONe, ALONE. Surprize, surprize.

Caitlyn's right. I think it's about time that I start believing Christ.

Loss of focus

2009-01-29T00:15:00.001-07:00

I feel like the last few days have just sludged by. School, work, volunteering, lazing about the house, laughing my head off over the ridiculous things that have come out of my mouth. I tried to convince my FHE group that giant pandas eat 2,000 lbs of bamboo a day. They all just took it in stride. Then I tried to tell them that staring was a sin. Not a single argument. "Holy Mannoli" as opposed to "Holy Moly" is the proper phrase - ok, so Shay put up a fight about that one. Turns out Mannoli isn't even a word, but I've said it my entire life so something as trivial as the absence of a dictionary definition isn't going to stop me from using it frequently.

Anyway, my point is that I seriously think my sense of mischievousness has steadily increased with my boredom, thus proving that idle hands are, in fact, the devil's workshop. So, I've got to find more positive activities to fill my time or I at least need to stick to my schedule enough that my time is filled. Homework. Tomorrow I shall do homework, lots of it, then on to socialization.

For the Record

2009-01-26T00:31:00.008-07:00

"When you really love something, then it loves you back, in whatever way it has to love" -John Knowles, A Separate Peace

I read A Separate Peace my freshman year in high school. I read it just the once & this quote is about all I remember of it. It, however, has been enough to help me understand the workings of relationships. From it I learned that what someone has to give might be too little for you. It might be too much, but rest assured, people give what they have to give at the time they have to give it. That which determines their capacity may not always be valid, but it is always real enough to the one who beholds it to stop them from going further or from using discretion as the case may be. This thought has always given me comfort, knowing that rejection is not a personal insult, merely a result of ill-fit.

And yet, I too fell prey to momentary despair. "Just friends" I said, as if friendship is something to scoff at. How ridiculous it sounds in hindsight. When I took a second to step back & look at what that encompasses, it sounded downright absurd. Someone to confide in, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone who sees your weaknesses but loves you anyway (usually because of them), someone to learn with, someone to pass the time with, someone to remind you of who you are, what you stand for, & what you're working towards. That is exactly what I need right now & obviously Heavenly Father knows it. I am determined not to doubt it for a second.

Blessings Unmeasured

2009-01-21T19:13:00.005-07:00

"I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day." -Alma 38:5

How was I to have known that my life would change so drastically in such a short period of time? I should have known. I should not have doubted for a second that the Lord can truly pour out blessings without number, but regardless of that fact, I do know now.

Every day I awake with excitement to face the day ahead,
& every night I go to bed with increased vigor to serve in the Cause.

"Where was I last semester?" Rachel asked me last night. I'm not sure where any of us where, Rach. Surely not here though. Surely not where we needed to be.

What changed? The change did not come in the number of trials or the circumstances of which my life consists. No, that did not change at all. The change came, as President Eyring suggested years ago, from inside & not in the world around.

I made a determination to trust more & after that all has seemed to just fall into place. Increase in Prayer, Scripture Study, Temple Attendance - all of the basics were obvious as the next steps in the pattern. So easy, so often repeated, & so little heeded are these eternal principles.

I know that they are true, though. Everything within me whispers of their rightness.

The Mystery of the Bisou Bisou Jeans

2009-01-16T00:24:00.005-07:00

It was almost midnight in Provo, seconds till Jenny missed her goal of getting to bed the day before she had to awake again. "Where did all of this come from?" she wondered as she cleaned off the misplaced nothings which prevented her from snuggling warm under the sheets in her oh so comfortable bed. A load of laundry lay unfolded, wadded in in a pile at the bottom corner of the mound. On top of the pile lay a single pair of dark blue jeans. "Michelle, are these yours?" she asked her roommate, picking them up off the pile. "No, they're your size" she said quickly turning away to pack for her trip on the morrow - soon to be today. "Hmm," said Jenny, "I wonder where these came from." She stumbled into the next room & asked her suitmmates, "Do you know whose these are?" "Well," said one matter-o-factly, "they are your size, you know?" "I know," she said, but I've never seen them before in my life." "I don't know what to tell you" said the roommate. "Go try them on," the other suggested, & that's just what Jenny did. She put on the pants & vwala, a perfect fit. It was as if they had been made for her, measured & tailored & sent from above as the gift she didn't know she needed. One by one, her roommates came out of their rooms as Jenny marvelled at her blessing in the full-length hall mirror. "Where did these come from?" Jenny pondered & questioned & longed to know. "How is it possible" asked one roommate "that a pair of jeans appeared miraculously on top of our dryer, a pair of jeans that just happen to fit you perfectly? There has to be a logical explanation." But there wasn't & there isn't & the jeans remain a mystery (& a blessing) even to this very day.

Reap While the Day Lasts

2009-01-14T23:17:00.008-07:00

It's true. I've focused far too much on what I haven't done in the past & what I'm lacking in right now & not enough on what I want to become. Elder Holland taught me that yesterday. "Faith trusts that the future has good things in store for us," he said. Oh...well, I guess I forgot that one for a while.

So WHAT IS IT exactly that I would like to become? I'm not certain I know all of the specifics right now, but I AM CERTAIN they will come in time. Here is what I do know:

I want to have more confidence in my abilities.
I want to be freed from the burden of worry
& overcome the obstacle of fear.
I want to be more attuned to the needs of others
& less attuned to myself.

"With the power of conviction, there is no sacrifice."

I want to KNOW
that I am always engaged in a good cause -
always at the right place, at the right time,
doing exactly what I should be doing.

I want to be a wife & a mother, but before any of that comes along,
I want to make sure that I am PREPARED
to fulfill those callings adequately,
for I know that they are the most important I shall ever hold.

I want to approach each day as an opportunity to further the kingdom of God, & use it as such.

I can see myself drastically changing in the future, not in one giant leap, but minute by minute & day by day. My experiences of today further reassured me of this. I went to the doctor for my six week checkup for being on Glucophage. She said everything seems to be going as it should. I've lost 6 lbs. I have a little more energy, but more importantly, I've started a pattern of living which will eventually lead me to health. I won't get there today. I won't get there tomorrow, but as what is natural for me becomes abnormal & as I fight against the grain, I will get closer one salad, one sit up, one soy yogurt at a time. It's finally sinking in that for everything that matters, there is no quick fix.

In the future, I think it best that I write more specifically & less abstractly. What am I doing each day to become more Christlike? What have I learned today that strengthened my testimony just a little bit more? What happened today in general?

I'll tell you what happened today. I read D&C 4,11, & 12 for scripture study & it blew my mind!

"Give heed to my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword, to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow." -D&C 11:2

"And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good, yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit...which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy." -D&C 11:12

Such simple/basic/fundamental truths, & yet for a moment I forgot. How grateful I am that repentance is real. How grateful I am to know without doubt that people can change (minute by minute & day by day :) through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

"This day we sailed on..."

2009-01-12T09:15:00.003-07:00

A few weeks ago, the entirety of the world made New Year's Resolutions.

I made one: Develop more faith.

"Faith implies trust," President Monson said last night, and boy do I believe it. I have long known that lack of trust is my tragic flaw. I've spent the majority of my life in the spirit of fear: fear of rejection, fear of misinterpretation, fear of hurt, fear of loneliness, fear of denial, fear of life in general, but this you already know.

With my newly established goal ever eating at my intentions for the day, I have spent the entirety of this last week in utter gratitude for the strength that has been lent me. Saturday I went to Seven Peaks to play broom hockey with my ward. Incidentally my roomie locked herself out of the house so I missed the beginning of the games in an attempt to help her out. As I reentered the arena & awaited her call to confirm entry, I naturally took my place amongst the sideline dwellers - the injured & the fearful - in the place where I've camped for far too long. As a break in the game occurred I begged my companions to play a short game. "Who teaches us to fear," I said jokingly. "I'm not answering that," said one,"& I'm not going anywhere." No, I don't suppose you are, but I finally plucked up the courage, grabbed a broom, & walked onto the ice. First thing I was whacked in the ankle by our ward executive secretary & my toes went numb, but other than that I was completely unscathed. I laughed & laughed, and although my boundaries did not span the width of the arena, I played & enjoyed the for the remainder of our allotted time. What relief it brings me to know that I was not overcome.

Now is not the time for regrets, nor fear, nor shrinking against the sidelines. Now is the time that I prove myself by living up to my potential instead of hiding behind excuses. Now is the time that I learn to have a little more faith in myself, in my fellow beings, and most importantly, in my Heavenly Father.

"When the time for decision arrives, the time for preparation is over," said President Monson, and it cannot be denied that my prep time has flown the coop.

God & Joy & Watermelon

2009-01-10T01:00:00.004-07:00

In the year of the Rat and Barack Obama
I stumbled into a well of infinite knowledge.
Beyond the grasp of the sleek and demented one,
through the barriers of cyclical avoidance,
I crept, quick & determined, onto the path of most resistance.
Pattern by pattern & goal by goal,
I shattered each impediment which bound me stagnant.
Chipping away the flakes of sorrow & weakness & fear,
I rose to the heights of blinding light,
humbled by my limited scope & blurred vision.
I came. I went. I conquered through the strength of Another.

Bliss

2009-01-06T10:33:00.006-07:00

Why is it that the most beautiful things in life are always the most fragile? I was walking home in the snow last night watching the light reflect off the ice crystals & thinking

"How could anything be more lovely?"

Yet, how easily it is crushed. How easily you fall beneath its power. A few degrees warmer & it's gone. I shall hate to see it go.

As I walk along my allotted path it shocks me each time I hear the mumbled words of the passersby.

"Ugh, I hate this!"

"It's so cold!"

"I wish it'd stop snowing!"

NOOOOOOOO!!!

It'd dash my hopes if it did.

I'd rather spend the rest of my life cold than to wish away this frozen gift.

Each day of this winter I intend to giggle away as the world sparkles around me, remembering how blessed I am.

"Polly want a cracker?" Why yes I do!

2008-12-26T22:36:00.004-07:00

Well, horsefeathers, there's no way around it.
Up until sometime around the middle of this year or so I was one of those people who perpetually believed the negative things people said about me (only the negative, mind you).

I realize I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but I'm still in such shock at what I let myself miss out on for so long. What if you woke up one day & realized you have been the only one keeping yourself back for a decade & 1/2? RIDICULOUS! I feel like a chump in healthiest way. I'm taking my life back now. 4 Realio Yo!

Here's what's been on my mind today...among other things, of course...

Firstly, I've been seriously contemplating what it is about the wind blowing through your hair that brings such joy & feelings of freedom. Swings, Slides, Merry-go-rounds, Roller Skating, Ice Skating, Driving with the windows open, Running, Dancing, etc - it's all the same concept - fast motion overcoming inertia (don't ask me if that is stated in a scientifically correct fashion, I spent almost the entirety of my physical science class last semester cracking jokes with Hunter)& the feel of the wind on your face. It's completely inexplicable & yet instant joy every time. Well, I don't really care what it is, I just know that I have high hopes of indulging in these things more frequently in the future :)

Secondly, true story: I have spent the entirety of this YEAR (yes, I said a whole year) trying to find out what kind of music I like. Today I visited a used music store & purchased CDs by Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Judy Garland, and Louis Armstrong. I worked really hard to talk myself out of purchasing Fats Domino & The Drifters as well. My experimentation is entering new heights of complexity to which money is my only boundary. I've listened to rock, pop, r&b, rap, jazz, gospel, classical, various world music, country, alternative - in short - a bit of everything & here is the conclusion I have drawn: I like some of everything & as to which genre is my favorite it depends solely on my mood at the moment & who is around me. The only line I've drawn to this point runs directly through Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow. I cannot stand their music. Other than that thus far, it's all game :)

Thirdly, I'd like to say - I can't believe how much I miss Utah. I never thought that the mountains or the cold weather or the inhabitants of said state would grown on me this quickly. I'm so excited to go back & wear my winter clothes & go ice skating & be sheltered in the naivety of Provo again. It's shocking that such a thing is proceeding forth from my Southern mouth, but there it is plain & simple.

Rambling --> Revelation

2008-12-17T00:02:00.005-07:00

Apparently I've taken up talking in my sleep.
"Go away....Go home....Just let me sit,"
were my words last night, according to my roomie.
I have no idea what I was referring to or to whom I was talking.
I find that a bit disturbing.
How long has this been going on? What have I been saying?
Good thing I'm pretty much an open book & have no secrets to hide.

Shay said yesterday, "It's funny, I always know exactly what Jenny's thinking when she walks through the door." It's true too. You definitely don't have to be a mind reader to figure me out & yet some people have the audacity to call me untrustworthy & manipulative & mess up my entire psyche.

It's been almost a year since those cursed words were spoken & yet I still feel the sting of them on a regular basis. With every friendship I establish I wonder if it's going to end in such a horrid manner - abruptly, without explanation, and without hope of reconciliation.

I let down my walls & was ransacked. It doesn't make me very excited to repeat the process. There is a part of me just waiting to be pummeled. I am braced for defeat. I expect to be disappointed, and I am never proven wrong because I set myself up for failure. That's it...I set myself up for failure....Why did I not see this before?

In Commemoration

2008-12-14T23:25:00.003-07:00

Today marks 5 years since I was introduced to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It marks the day that my life changed immeasurably for good. During the Sacrament today I could not hold back the tears of gratitude. I began to contemplate in Jimmy Stewart It's a Wonderful Life fashion how different my life would have been if I had not gone to Church with Heidi for the 1st time or had I not prayed to know if it was true or not or had I given up because of the difficulty of the way.

I would not be here at BYU, that's for sure.

I would not have met so many people that have brought joy to my heart. People that I've felt time & time again were meant to be a part of my life at each certain point in time.

I would not have served a mission.

I would now know that I have Pilgrim ancestors & also Pioneer ancestors that joined the Church in Wales back in the mid-1800s.

I would not have known my purpose in life & therefore, I would not have overcome my battle with depression.

I would not have known how to cope with the death of my Grandmother, or exactly how to face my own health issues (the Word of Wisdom is amazing).

I would never have felt comfortable speaking or singing in front of other people.

I would not have known the love that my Heavenly Father has for me, nor my worth as His child.

I would have been a completely different person in completely different circumstances, surrounded by completely different people, & I would have hated every minute of it because I would have felt the lack of something more substantial.

I am grateful, more than anyone could possibly understand, for every step that's led me to where I am today. To each person that I have met as a direct result of my decision to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I want to say thank you for the fullness you've brought to my existence.

Disconsolate Stranger

2008-12-11T11:50:00.006-07:00

Peeping eyes flicker behind an unsuspecting ficus,
Drawn to the allure of a gray haze.

Look away, look away,
It senses your presence.

Mirthful pride,
tales of banana houses and shampoo bottles
and peeping eyes of old
Permeate the air,
And still the haze prevails.

You are known, then unknown, then slowly slink away.

Ain't No Sunshine

2008-12-10T00:57:00.004-07:00

It's interesting that I woke up now, right when I had to give an accounting for the things I've learned this semester. I'm sorry to say that as far as academic knowledge is concerned, it hasn't been much. Thus far this week I've spent 20 hours writing papers. My eyes are officially glazed over, & I feel a bit saddened that I've learned more in the last 48 hours than I did in going to, well, as many classes as I made it to...

Warning: Health problems yield sketchy attendance & limited focus.

On a brighter note though, I've lost 10 lbs in the last week, therefore, medicine is now my friend :)

"This is my Snoop-dizzle look."

2008-12-07T22:54:00.003-07:00

This week has been extraordinary.

First of all, I started my plethora of new medications. You can not imagine the difference it has made. I've spent the last few months basically living from nap to nap. I was so exhausted all of the time, that I didn't even recognize how tired I was until it went away. What a surprise to wake up from a sleep that I didn't realize I was in, but not only have I not taken a nap since Tuesday (the day I started the medicine), I find I have more energy than I've had since the beginning of this year. Seriously, I exercised 3 times this week in 1 hour increments & in Relief Society, I was itching to move so much I spent the entire hour tapping my feet to various rhythms (mostly varying between Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite & the William Tell Overture). Ridiculous, but much better than sitting in a half-drowsy stupor. Now that my body's getting back in order, I feel much more in control of myself.

Secondly, I've taken some major steps toward putting myself "out there" again. My schedule next semester currently consists of 2 classes for my major & the rest, although mostly GE's, completely unrelated: Aerobic Dance, Weight Management, & I'm trying my hardest to get into one music class or another. I've been checking daily on Intro to Vocal Skilz (lol) & University Band. They're all filled up for now, but I'm convinced I'll get into one or the other before the semester starts. Today I went to ward choir practice for the 1st time this semester. My roomie practically had to kick me through the door to get me to go, but I went & loved it, as I always do. Singing brings great enjoyment to my soul :)

Thirdly, because of all these changes, I just feel genuinely happy. As I was sitting in Sacrament meeting today, surrounded by friends, trying to giggle in an unsuspicious manner at a comment that one of the speakers made, which triggered a common memory between us all, I realized right then & there how much I love the people I've come to know here in Provo. What would I do without Michelle & Rachel & Shay, my roomies? Or without Bernie & Richard my most amazing, spectacular, stupendous Home Teachers & fellow rap-masters...lol? Or without Derrall to take out my trash..haha...? Life just wouldn't be the same, but not only that, it wouldn't be as good. So thanks guys for being awesome :)

Life is so much better than I thought it was. YAY!

Changes

2008-12-04T14:06:00.005-07:00

I don't know why it took me this long to realize it, but I have a great propensity to focus on the past...

What I did do, what I didn't do,
"Back in the day I used to..."
"Hey, remember the time I..."
"Ugh, I wish I would have..."

You get the picture. Now that I've recognized the pattern I've also realized that about half of my sentences begin with such phrases. PROBLEM! The truth is though, I don't do much anymore & that's the saddest thing of all.

I used to be flautist.
I used to be a state champion POWERLIFTER
(yes, I just admitted that)
I used to be a gymnast.
I used to be a cheerleader.
I used to be a basketball player.
I used to do community service all the time.
I used to roller skate & jump rope & bounce on trampolines.
I used to make collages & read a book a week.

Now all I really do is go to school & work & church & watch movies. That is my life in a nutshell. It is pathetic. I realize that at the dawn of my adulthood I had to give up some of these things, but I never thought I'd give it all up for nothing. Talk about hiding my talents. I realize I was never meant to be an Olympic gymnast or a professional roller skater, but giving them up entirely has caused a void in my existence that I've yet to fill with other fun & stress relieving activities. I LOVE art & music & theater. I love being outdoors & staying busy all the time. I love serving other people. I can't think of a better way of spending my time, but over the last few years I've let fear creep into my thought processes & change my way of life.

"You can't perform in front of other people, you're too fat!"
"You aren't good enough!"
"You're not fast enough!"
"You're not strong enough!"

Saying it all now, it sounds ridiculous (probably because it is), but I've believed it somewhere inside of me for too long. It's time to move on. I've got to put myself out there or I'm never going anywhere & I'm so sick of holding myself back.

Watch out world, here I come.
You have no idea what type of shenanigans I am capable of...

Pumpkin-spiced life

2008-12-02T11:02:00.002-07:00

Curled finger paintings line the paint chipped surface.
Man-eating plants adorn the borders.
Brown suede & striped accents envelope the exterior.
Christ is in here somewhere, as am I.

"The most pathetic person in the world
is someone who has sight, but has no vision."
-Helen Keller

It's a new day...

2008-11-30T01:02:00.005-07:00

Anyone who knows me can attest that it has been a VERY dramatic year. There are no words to describe the roller coaster I've been on, but I think it's safe to say I've been through all four seasons (emotionally speaking).

I am appalled...

2008-11-27T00:23:00.014-07:00

I hate to be cliche, but seriously, what is our world coming to? Violence & Money & Sex are glorified in the popular media to the point of complete saturation. I can't sit through a film or a commercial or even dare open a magazine that was not produced by the Church for fear of being scarred forever. In one thirty second ad at the theater tonight I saw it all - violence, nudity, homosexuality, language, drug & alcohol references. I almost walked out of the theater right then & there & chewed out the manager for showing such filth in a theater that was sure to be filled with impressionable preteens. How I hope that they don't think that this is what the world is really like.

Oh, it doesn't affect us, you know, because it's not real. In words of my Papa, "That's hog wash!" Doesn't affect us, my foot. If it's not affecting us, why is all of it becoming more extreme? Why are blood & sex & profanity becoming the norm? You can't tell me it was always like this. I watched The Cosby Show yesterday. I watched Full House earlier this week, shows that were so popular such a short time ago. Where is their equivalent today? Is it in House or Bones or Amazing Grace or Gray's Anatomy or Heroes? Where is it? I shudder to think what the norm will be when I finally get around to having children.

Here in "Happy Valley" I forget so quickly what the vast majority of people are being exposed to on a consistent basis, but it is here, even among us, all the time. The only way to rid ourselves of it is to avoid it completely, avoid it like the plague so that it doesn't kill us slowly & painfully.

"The entertainment industry cannot portray on film people gunned down in cold blood, in living color, and not have it affect the attitudes and thoughts of some of the people who see it…the desensitizing effect of such media abuses on the hearts and souls of those who are exposed to them results in a partial fulfillment of the Savior’s statement that ‘because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold” - M. Russell Ballard

"A diet of violence or pornography dulls the senses, and future exposures need to be rougher and more extreme. Soon the person is desensitized and is unable to react in a sensitive, caring, responsible manner, especially to those in his own home and family. Good people can become infested with this material and it can have terrifying, destructive consequences.” - Marvin J. Ashton

Jumping through Hoops

2008-11-24T23:41:00.002-07:00

Today was…very difficult. After working my tail off for 2 years, losing 65 lbs and feeling confident & healthy for the first time in my life, genetics set in. I am insulin resistant. Translation - I’m heading on a fast train to diabetes & heart disease like so many of the people I love did before me. Tonight I went to the Tumble gym with my FHE group & saw my life flash before my eyes. Everything just came crashing down with a big thud.

I wanted so badly to be the one to break the cycle. I wanted so badly for this particular gene to pass me by. I wanted so badly to avoiding being at the bottom of the pecking order, but this IS the hand I have been dealt, so after a tear-filled evening of becoming accustomed to this news which will effect me for the rest of my life, I’m going to lie down & rest my exhausted & dehydrated body determined to wake up refreshed & ready to make the best of what I’ve got. I am not without comfort.

I am the tortoise

2008-11-20T10:27:00.002-07:00

The world around me has taken off in a ridiculously fast-paced sprint. Jetting in & out of classes and up & down the stairs. Quick! We've been dating for 2 months. Let's get married! Quick! We're 21. Let's hurry & have 10 children before we're 30!Bah! I can barely keep up with my school assignments.

Megan once told me I moved at a slower pace than the rest of the world. I didn't really believe it until now. I thought I was just as capable as the next person at moving at the pace of the corporate world, but alas, I am not.

Too often I stop to just take in what I have right now, & undoubtedly am knocked on my face each time by the enormity of it all. Too often I get caught up in perfecting the details so the whole will be likewise.

I can't skim a reading. I want to learn it! I can't half-heartedly do anything. It eats at my soul.

That is the great quandary of a college student. I want an education. I need an education, but it is not suited to my learning style. I endure & turn in half-hearted papers & take tests on materials that I didn't get around to reading even half of. Bit by bit it tares (pun intended) me apart. It is half the of the reason why I'm 24 years old, only half-way done with my undergraduate degree & nowhere near marriage.

I'm not complaining about my situation. It is inevitable, I suppose. I write this simply to say, I wish there was some way I could slow down & simplify, but it is what it is. Therefore, my plea is only, in the words of Vivian Bearing, "Give me the full dose, the full dose - every time."

High on that Mountain

2008-11-12T14:46:00.002-07:00

Today as I was walking home from school in the cold misting rain, I looked up at the mountains & was taken aback by their beauty. There is white cloud hovering over them today & you cannot see the tops. Just as I looked up “Go Rest High On That Mountain” came on my play list. My thoughts turned then to my Granny & Grandpa. Oh, how I miss them. It was years after my Grandpa’s funeral before I could listen to this song & not cry. I was so angry at him for leaving us when he did. I knew he’d been in pain for a long time, & I knew that at least that was over, but I didn’t have much hope of ever seeing him again. I’d convinced myself at the time that I didn’t believe in God or at least that I didn’t believe in the kind of God that I’d come to know. When I lost Granny earlier this year, my thoughts were so different. I was grateful for the time that I’d gotten to spend with her when she was living in Louisiana. I was grateful for the knowledge that I will see her & Grandpa both again one day. As I looked up at the mountains today, I couldn’t help but smile knowing that somewhere beyond that white cloud are all those that I love that have passed on. Somewhere beyond they are looking down on me & I know they are proud of the way I’m living my life. “That’s my granddaughter,” they’d say, their faces beaming. It is my prayer today that I will always have such assurance & hope & also for those of my family who read this to know how much I love them & treasure their influence in my life - every part of it. I am who I am because of these wonderful people.

Madame Librarian

2008-11-11T10:35:00.006-07:00

I seriously have no idea where the time is slipping away to. I feel like General Conference was only yesterday. When did November start? I don’t even remember the days passing, but even so, I don’t think the days flowing together is necessarily a bad thing. It makes it much easier to learn the lessons of life this way, like one ginormous game of connect the dots - preschool style.

I start a new job next week. I am to be a “Data Entry Specialist” for the Family History center here on campus. I called Megan, my best friend, yesterday when I received my official library employee name tag. “I work at a library now,” I exclaimed. “Oh dear,” she said, “your life’s dream come true.” Yeah buddy, it is! Call me a nerd, but ever since my days as a music librarian, one of my heart’s greatest desires is to organize the magnificent works of mankind. Be it music, art, literature, genealogical compilations, I don’t care which. I just know that I want to be surrounded by things and people whose sole purpose is to better the world, so I that I may soak up a least a bit of their goodness.