Changes

I don't know why it took me this long to realize it, but I have a great propensity to focus on the past...

What I did do, what I didn't do,
"Back in the day I used to..."
"Hey, remember the time I..."
"Ugh, I wish I would have..."

You get the picture. Now that I've recognized the pattern I've also realized that about half of my sentences begin with such phrases. PROBLEM! The truth is though, I don't do much anymore & that's the saddest thing of all.

I used to be flautist.
I used to be a state champion POWERLIFTER
(yes, I just admitted that)
I used to be a gymnast.
I used to be a cheerleader.
I used to be a basketball player.
I used to do community service all the time.
I used to roller skate & jump rope & bounce on trampolines.
I used to make collages & read a book a week.

Now all I really do is go to school & work & church & watch movies. That is my life in a nutshell. It is pathetic. I realize that at the dawn of my adulthood I had to give up some of these things, but I never thought I'd give it all up for nothing. Talk about hiding my talents. I realize I was never meant to be an Olympic gymnast or a professional roller skater, but giving them up entirely has caused a void in my existence that I've yet to fill with other fun & stress relieving activities. I LOVE art & music & theater. I love being outdoors & staying busy all the time. I love serving other people. I can't think of a better way of spending my time, but over the last few years I've let fear creep into my thought processes & change my way of life.

"You can't perform in front of other people, you're too fat!"
"You aren't good enough!"
"You're not fast enough!"
"You're not strong enough!"

Saying it all now, it sounds ridiculous (probably because it is), but I've believed it somewhere inside of me for too long. It's time to move on. I've got to put myself out there or I'm never going anywhere & I'm so sick of holding myself back.

Watch out world, here I come.
You have no idea what type of shenanigans I am capable of...