Memory Lane

Novemer 21, 1999 (my 15 year old self):

Preparation

Many the hours that we've spent,
Contemplating the answer
as to what's been meant

Searching for something
that seems rock steady,
Enclosing ourselves to get it all ready.

Ready for what?
Nothing it seems.
Preparation for something
that might be just dreams.

What is our purpose?
Why are we here?
Why the commotion?
What's there to fear?

How can you answer
such deep, troubling questions?
How can you be sure
with so many suggestions?

February 2002 (my 17 year old self):

"I know this entry will sound a bit odd, but sometimes...well, probably most of the time, if not all, I simply don't know what I'm living for. It's just that I don't see the purpose of anything I'm doing. What does the world gain from me being here? If only I knew my purpose or mankind's purpose for that matter, I'd feel like I was getting somewhere, but now, I just feel empty. Not that I don't enjoy my life, most of it I do. It's just solitary moments like these that I look back on what I've done & realize I've really and truly done nothing at all. I just mean to wonder, is everyone else deluded in being content with not knowing why we are here, or am I just crazy for wondering about this at all? If there is a God, why hasn't he told us why we are here in the first place? He has said our goal is heaven, but how could a human spirit, so flawed in life, find perfection & maintain it forever? How could it then be the same spirit? And if, in fact, that spirit is changed, then what was the purpose of having a less perfect one in the first place? According to the supposed teachings of God, I am to be punished eternally for being what I am - a skeptic - but why should I be as harshly punished as one who is adulterous or a murderer? I don't understand it. I have only questioned the unclear. I do know that I need a goal to work towards, otherwise, I'll be forced to continue on aimlessly. I really don't know how long that will hold up. I'm just begging for an answer, one that is unmistakable as the true & undeniable answer."

June 21, 2003 (my 18 year old self):

Could you show me the way?
Could you shift this endless search
into the journey of a lifetime?
A purpose. That's what I need.
I'm searching & searching & still not finding.
I have to find it though.
Without a purpose, there is no point.
Without a point, there is no life.
I'm sick of these spineless amoebas,
morphing with the rising & falling trends
of supposed belonging.
I do not know who I am,
but I surely know what I am not.
A change that makes things worse,
is not worth making.
I guess that's why I'm stuck here, unmoving.
I think I need more options.
These ones aren't worth considering.

November 1, 2003 (my 19 year old self):

Too warm within, too cold without.
When shall I escape this mildly tepid existence?

January 4, 2004 (the transition):

Last Sunday I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Today I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands. I have to say that this has been the most fantastic month of my life. My decision to join the Church was undeniable and unchangeable for I have tasted truth. God is here in my heart & I could not quiet Him if I wanted to. Things are now as they always should have been.

Thursday August 4, 2005 (my 20 year old self):

Last night I had my first meeting with our new bishop. He said something to me that I just can't quit playing through my mind. He said, "I feel the need to tell you that Heavenly Father loves you, but more than that, He trusts you. He loves all of His children, but you He trusts." I am beginning to realize just how much I have been trusted with. It is so frightening to consider the widening expanse before me, but it is also the most wonderful & rewarding feeling that I have ever had. I wish I could explain the sense of anticipation within me, but I can only think to say that It is like my eyes have been opened anew and all I can see before me is a glorious battle in which my side (the side that does not belong to me at all, but I to it) is victorious, and there is a great light that overcomes the shadow. I feel like I have passed the test, whatever it may be.

Saturday December 17, 2005 (my 21 year old self):

I received my mission call today. I opened the mailbox, stared slack-jawed at it for at least thirty seconds then grabbed it and sprinted into the house. "It's here!!" I yelled, "It's finally here!" Amy & Asher scrambled wildly for about 2 minutes looking for a camera & a letter opener, as I stood still, grasping my letter. My mind, however, was racing a thousand directions at once. "Where am I to go? What changes will this bring? How can one person contain such joy?" Finally Amy found batteries for the camera & Asher grabbed his key to use as a letter opener. I opened it slowly, hands shaking. "You are hereby called to serve...in the California San Bernardino Mission...You should report to the Missionary Training Center at Provo, Utah Wednesday 1 February 2006."

Wednesday February 1, 2006 (my missionary self):

As we flew into the Salt Lake airport, I saw naught but white, almost too pure to be real. This is the farthest I've ever been away from home & yet, the closest I've been to it since I can remember.

Tuesday August 28, 2006 (the hardest decision):

Last week I got a call from my my MTC companion. She called to tell me she's going home at the end of the transfer. It was very hard to hear that because in the back of my mind I knew that I was going with her. I've been fighting it since I injured my ankle. The second I began to fall, I knew that going home would be the result of my injury - hence the initial cry of "I don't want to go home!" But circumstances have begun to multiply and a decision has become a necessity. I feel needed elsewhere, but I don't want to be needed elsewhere. I know my answer. I've known it all along. There are at least 9 people in Louisiana right now who need me. It's just a re-assignment, I told my companion. It's just a re-assignment.

Wednesday February 13, 2008 (changes, changes, changes):

So here's the big news: I'm going to BYU!!!!!!!

Sunday April 12, 2009 (the here & now):

Honestly, I don't know where the time went. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was that 15 year old so full questions, and yet life has changed so much. My questions have all been answered, my purpose is clear. I'm not certain why I am sharing all of these most precious moments in my life, but here I am, spilling my soul before the world & hoping that my words will speak to someone & let them know that there is hope. Heavenly Father does answer our prayers & He loves us - each & every one of us because we are His children.

"And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:17-18)