At Last

It's been 4 months since I posted last. Those 4 months have been filled with a mixture of chaos, frustration, and an ever-nagging hope for progress. I never thought I'd lose my passion for life again under the blessed wings of the Gospel & in the arms of the love of my life, but I must admit, it has been fleeting.

What can be more frustrating than having health force you into dropping out of school 1 semester before graduation, quitting a job that you love, uprooting to an unfamiliar town surrounded by unfamiliar people, and sitting,waiting, hoping for improvement of any kind?

At least I can put a check by improvement of health. Now I'm ready to go out & start moving again, but I am siezed by a fear of relapse. I'm siezed by a fear that I'll never again be what I once was, & what is that exactly? I, for one, find it hard to recall if I'm actually chasing whispers of a shadow of my former being or if I really was once as strong as I remember. Either way, reguardless of what I was or think I was, I know I'm not where I need to be now.

I went on a family vacation to Florida a few weeks ago & came back with a new determination & a very real memento to remind me of the future ahead of me, a wooden block with the simple adage:

"Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

I did not lose myself. I allowed myself to become something different, an alternate, less happy version of the me than I had previously been. These previous & current versions of me need not dictate what I will be in the future. I choose who I am. I'm not saying you should expect I'll make dramatic alterations to myself. There are parts of me that I love very much. I am at the core loving, determined, fiercely loyal, and very easily amused. These parts of me will never be absent no matter how much I change; however, it's about time for revamping & creating some new aspects of me.  I'm certainly not going to cover myself in tattoos or have a sex-change operation (heavens no - I love my husband VERY VERY VERY much), but I would like to re-instate the goals I set when I moved to Washington 4 months ago which are:

-Continue to improve my health
-Lose a significant amount of weight
-Increase spirituality through scripture study/prayer/etc

& add a few that I'd like to pursue:

-Start writing regularly again (for which, you readers can hold me accountable)
-READ READ READ
-Find a job/finish school
-Make Music a bigger part of my life/learn to play the piano
-Make New Friends
-FOSTER PARENTING/have a child of our own :)

Ok, I'm gonna stop before I overwhelm myself with goals & give up before I start. I'm just gonna say before I stop writing for now: It's good to be back.