Intentionality

Phew! What a week! I seriously do feel like I've been careening up & down the hills & twists & curves of a psychotically demented roller coaster of torture. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Things haven't been all that bad & truthfully, the roller coaster exists only within the confines of my own psyche. For a moment though, I lost sight of my goals, my identity as a beloved daughter of God, & I succumbed to the temptation of despair, but thankfully that moment came to pass as all of such a nature do. It, however, would not have been of such short duration if not for the inspired influence of a few unnamed troopers who bolstered me up until I could regrasp the iron rod. If I didn't know it before, I surely recognize now that we all have the opportunity to be angels in the lives of those around us & although I know I cannot repay the debt (because as we all know, there are no debts between friends), I do wish to express my gratitude by being to someone else what so many have been to me.

To my single goal for the year (of having more faith), I now wish to add a companion - a helpmeet, so to speak. Faith meet Intentionality (& vice-versa, of course).

Apparently, I'm ridiculously forgetful - shocking, I know. Therefore, with much pondering & prayer & making of mistakes, I've decided that the only way that I'm going to attain more faith is to intentionally seek to do so. By this I do not mean to imply that I haven't been trying this last month & 1/2, but that my methods have proven to be flawed. I still constantly revert back to trying to do everything on my own, which always inevitably yields worry or failure or dispair & sometimes all 3. I now realize that this is going to have to be not only a change in lifestyle, but also a change in the pattern of my very thoughts.

"Men imagine that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot; it rapidly crystallizes into habit, and habit solidifies into circumstance,"

said the wise James Allen, & I know he speaks the truth. When I start to overreact or lose hope, it must become my natural reaction to say, "This is because I'm not having enough faith." I need to pray or read my scriptures or go to the Temple & sometimes all 3 until I have enough faith to align myself with the will of the Father.

In order to enact such a change, I have determined to do these things:

1. I have filled my beautiful living space with visual reminders to keep the faith, quotes & questions to help me remember. They are stratigically placed to call me to repentance in moments of weakness...

"Have I done any good in the world today?"

"Did you think to pray?"

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" -D&C 6:36

"Work will work when wishy-washy wishing won't!"

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again & expecting different results" -Albert Einstein

"God has created your spirits with wings to fly in the spacious firmament of Love & Freedom. How pitiful to lop off your wings with your own hands and suffer your spirit to crawl like vermin upon the earth.” -Kahlil Gibran

&

2. I ask a favor of all who read this. Please help me out. When you see worry or distress in my countanence or in my writing, remind me that Heavenly Father has it all under control. When you see that I have lost hope, remind me of who I am. When you see that I am trying to bare my burden alone, remind me that there is One who waits to lift it from me. I, in turn, will attempt to do the same for you.

Trooper #1 (as mentioned above) shared with me a quote this week that filled my heart with hope. It said,

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe" (Jeffrey R. Holland).

There is a part of me that has not believed. That is why Elder Holland's words struck so deeply, but I want to believe. I want to believe more than anything else in the world. I know that belief - true faith - is the key to all doors & I'm tired of being locked out by my own stubbornness & pride.