6/11/12
Beginning Again (Again)
My journey to health has been like an unsuccessful uphill bicycle ride, building momentum until I give up and fall all the way back down the hill. The last 2 years, I fell all the way down the hill & into a pit. I've never been this unhealthy. I've never been this overweight. I've never been this unhappy with my body, yet, I've also have never felt so unable to enact change. I've been, so to speak, running my wheels on a stationary bike. I'd like to say that this is the time that I will be successful because this is the biggest step I've taken in the right direction, but that's not true & I'd be a complete hypocrite to make such a statement. I feel emotionally unstable, physically weak, and all in all - unreliable. That bothers me, but it's still a part of who I am right now, a slave to my body & my sentiments. I want to change, I have to change, but when it comes to the small defining moments - a cookie in my face, a craving for soda, a lack of energy to exert myself, that voice in my head telling me I'll start tomorrow - I consistently fail to change. I'm not saying that this time couldn't or won't be the time I get it right & keep it right, but I am saying that this is first time that I've been determined to be forgiving of the moments I forget to pedal, but also willing to start over again when I backtrack. I am human & this is a damn hard journey, so to hell with expecting perfection. This time around, I'm just asking for something better. Who cares if it's not the best? Let's be honest, the bottom of the hill is infinitely better than the pit at the bottom of the hill, so if I can just get there, I think I'll be alright.
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3 comments:
I love you Jenny. You're always so insightful and you are honestly one of the strongest people I know. You might feel surprised to hear that since your trials may make you feel weak. But you are not your trials. I admire how hard you try and how you always allow God to teach you a valuable and eternal lesson in a situation where others might be more cynical. You remind me of how I should be and how I should act when I am going through something hard. This is particularly meaningful to me right now since I have felt similarly with my situation in school. I feel that I'm on this long journey with no end in sight except for a hope somewhere in my mind and I'm exhausted. I want to just turn around or to just lay down and say "forget it." But a voice keeps telling me to keep moving. I want to be like you Jenny. You're farther up that hill than you think. :)
Jenny - first of all, I miss you! Second, I feel like the thoughts you have expressed line up with mine in some ways, but for my own reasons. I value the perspective you have taken on in your efforts to change. I spent a few sad months feeling that I was too tired to be strong / tired of being strong. I firmly believe that these are different things :). I think one of the hardest things for me in my journey to achievement is allowing for my own personal shortcomings, some of which are beyond my ability to understand. I can be so unwilling to accommodate! I hope to continue to develop a firm faith not only in myself, but in Christ's atonement, which covers even those things that make me sad, frustrated, and at the end of my strength. I know I have a way to go, especially to gain the perspective I need - to find what I am meant to gain from my struggles... whether it be strength, faith, or some kind of learning experience... to understand how these things fit into Heavenly Father's plan for me. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Love you lots.
First of all, I miss you both SOOOO much! I guess I always knew that the people I befriended at college would have to live far away eventually, but I didn't count on ya'll becoming so important to me. It amazes me how much reading one little paragraph from you both kind of opens up a window to the me of the past, & makes strong Jenny wake up again. Thank you both for your encouragement & understanding. Man, I sure wish I could have a magic door that transports me instantly to all the people I love. It would sure make life better, but since science has not advanced quite so far... *long distance hugs & smiles & maybe a few tears of love & gratitude*
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